My Five Favorite People on Television

As of five seconds ago. This could change at any moment.

1. Juliet from Lost, played by Elizabeth Mitchell. Complex character, well-written, well-acted. And those deep blue (and Wally-esque) eyes! Just give her the Emmy now.

2. Yau-Man Chan. He plays two roles on this season of Survivor: "Asian guy" and "Old Guy." Smart, crafty, down-to-earth, and unpretentious. In other words, he's unlike 95 percent of reality show contestants. I hope he wins.

3. David Letterman. Today's his birthday. He turns 60. He's been making me laugh for, oh, a quarter of a century now. Thanks, Dave, and happy birthday.

4. Caveman Guy from The Geico ads. I know they're turning this into a TV pilot, which might turn into something absolutely disastrous, but these commercials make me laugh every time. I sure hope they find a cure for his chronic wistfulness.

5. Don't beat me up over this one: Sanjaya from American Idol. This guy gets pooped on in the media on a regular basis. The cruel comments come from the ladies on The View, shock jocks, Keith Olbermann, bloggers ... me. But yet he continues to smile, translating his minimal talent into more media buzz than Donald Trump. I hope he has an agent, cause I'd be looking to get him and his sister booked on the next Amazing Race as well as some sort of shampoo commercial. Cher, Charro, Elvis, Sammy and Sanjaya. Only one name is needed, and isn't that amazing?

BREAKING NEWS: Despite the Whole Kernel Corn, World's Best Cat Litter Turned Out To Be Defective!

Yesterday I wrote about how one of the most charming songs in the history of American musical theater is now being used to help sell kitty litter.

I have an update to this post, and the news is not good.

I wound up having to return the World's Best Cat Litter to Target before my Little Princess could poop over it and, in the process, be made to feel pretty, oh so pretty.

When I opened the box, it was one, big, giant, rectangular and unseparable CLUMP, like a giant Rice Krispy Treat. Well, they did boast on the box about how well it clumps, but I wasn't expecting a marshmallow-like binding agent.

Or maybe it was the corn? I understand the secret to this product is CORN, don't you know.

One more thing: I'm not sure "corn" is the best thing to bring up when talking about pets and poo.

Wally and I Took The Quiz. Did You?

Wally and I have both taken my five-question, potentially revolutionary relationship compatibility quiz, invented over a turkey sandwich yesterday at lunch.

Wally was not familiar with either Real Genius or Weird Science, so he declined to answer this question. But we matched four out of four on the others.

Our answers: The Brady Bunch, The Munsters, Simon and The Flintstones.

And my choice for the remaining question was Real Genius, if for no other reason than a groovy Tears for Fears theme song and a dreamy Wally-esque Val Kilmer in the starring role.

And yes, my use of the words dreamy and groovy were very much inspired by my heroine, Marcia Brady, and my hero, Greg Brady.

Only For Lovers: The Cup of Joe Compatibility Quiz

DIRECTIONS: You and your spouse/lover/significant other should consider taking the following five-question quiz, which I just made up yesterday, and then see how you match up.

1. The Brady Bunch or The Partridge Family?
2. The Munsters or The Addams Family?
3. Real Genius or Weird Science?
4. Randy, Paula or Simon?
5. The Flintstones or The Jetsons?

HOW TO SCORE

Five matches out of five: "You are my true love!"

Four matches out of five: "You are my true love! Well, most of the time."

Three matches out of five: "Maybe we should open this relationship up?"

Two matches out of five: "I think we need to see other people."

One match out of five: "I'm not even sure I like you. I think we need to see other people NOW."

No matches out of five: "I want you out of my life NOW. Well, after we have sex."

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LATER TODAY: How Wally and I scored.

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DISCLAIMER: THE CUP OF JOE IS NOT RESPONSIBLE FOR ANY BREAK-UPS THAT MAY RESULT FROM THIS QUIZ. THIS QUIZ SHOULD BE AVOIDED BY PEOPLE WITH A HISTORY OF LACTOSE INTOLERANCE OR HEART PALPITATIONS. SIDE EFFECTS OF TAKING THIS QUIZ MAY INCLUDE NAUSEA, VOMITING AND EXPLOSIVE DIARRHEA. VOID WHERE PROHIBITED: ESPECIALLY ALASKA, HAWAII AND GUAM.

BREAKING NEWS: New Cat Product Spotted Moments Ago During Target Run!

World's Best Cat Litter, Original Strength. Tagline: "It Makes Me Feel Pretty ... Oh So Pretty."

I have absolutely no doubt that any product that can turn the act of pooping into something glamorous has to be the absolute best in the world.

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I feel pretty
Oh so pretty
I feel pretty and witty and gay
And I pity
Any girl who isn't me today
I feel charming
Oh so charming
It's alarming how charming I feel
And so pretty
That I hardly can believe I'm real
See the pretty girl in that mirror there?
Who can that attractive girl be?
Such a pretty face
Such a pretty dress
Such a pretty smile
Such a pretty me!

-- MARIA from West Side Story, and now also a universal refrain from cats who poop using the World's Best Cat Litter.

Coming Soon

A simple pop culture test, developed over my lunch break, that you and your lover can take to see if your relationship is meant to be or doomed forever!

Who Gets Your Vote?

Who's the smoothest operator? Sanjaya Malakar from American Idol or medical reporter/neurosurgeon Dr. Sanjay Gupta from CBS/CNN?

Things I Find In My Basement

PART OF A CONTINUING SERIES

Personality Test Results from the middle 1980s indicating that I am VERY SIMILAR to ... ministers. (Fill in joke here.)


My least compatible profession in this category is athletic trainer, even though nowadays I spend more time at the gym than I do inside a church.

Veritas vos liberabit.

My Reaction To The Quality of the Musical Arrangements on Last Night's American Idol

Who could really sound good with arrangements like that?

And was that really Mickey from The Monkeys in the front row?

Roseanne Apologizes

From her website:

I deeply regret that I have offended gay people. I said things that I do not really mean, before I had thought them through... I was wrong and I seriously apologize!

Call me up today and let me have it! I will apologize and try to make clear what I really meant to say... which was that everybody needs to unite right now, and step outside of their own neighborhoods, groups, races and classes to stop Bush's war on our country and our people. I love gays and I hate division. I am just a big idiot with a big mouth sometimes. I will learn to be more careful! Please forgive me, I am so sorry!!!!

Call (909) 888 - 5222 between 5 - 6 pacific time to give me your two cents.

Remember the "then shocking" lesbian kiss from her TV show in 1994? Apology more than accepted. Case closed. I hope.

Gay Genes

Many on the Christian right legitimize decidedly un-Christian views towards gays and lesbians by saying that homosexuality is a "lifestyle choice."

Today's New York Times science section has a story that looks at the "lifestyle choice" question from a biological perspective.

Any Christian who accepts this biology, that homosexuality has a genetic basis, can't rationally also say The Gays are sinners.

Right?

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Also recommended: Today's Science Times has a number of SEX stories that are worthy of very careful examination.

Did Obama Sink or Float on The Late Show?

Methinks Sen. Obama floated. Watch here
.

Lacrosse and Roseanne in 2007

Yesterday, Andy from Towleroad via Left in SF ran a quote from Roseanne Barr that was so ignorant and ill-informed and untrue about gay people in general that I will offer no comment on it other than to link to it.

Last night, a reader of this blog sent me the following link, a very sad coming out story about a college lacrosse coach. Keep reminding yourself it is 2007 when you read this.

What happened? A dozen players, including a star, scared away from the team. Slurs written on Facebook. A game referee comparing gays to child molesters. And a new "debate" about whether a gay coach should even be allowed in the locker room.

We have a long way to go. Roseanne Barr's ignorance isn't helping.

Is This The Worst Show in TV History?

Small Wonder, featuring V.I.C.I. (Vicki) the Robot, an emotionless child robot with superhuman strength.

V.I.C.I., by the way, stood for "Voice Input Child Identicant."

I dare anybody to name a show that can eclipse Small Wonder as being an absolute masterpiece and exemplar of truly God-awful television.

The floor is open for nominations, but watch this first:

NBC Hangs Up on Andy Barker, PI

After airing only four times, Andy Barker, PI, the new (and now old) half-hour comedy show from Conan O'Brien and Andy Richter, has aired for the last time on Thursday night.

The final two episodes will be dumped on the air this Saturday in a "nobody's watching anyway" time slot, reports Variety.

Can Men Be Faithful?

At dinner the other night, the topic of conversation turned to the question: "Can married men and gay men in monogamous relationships be faithful"? Half the table answered in the affirmative; the other half did not.

My answer was (and is) YES. I'm not sure this is true of most men, and I suspect that it's not, but it's absolutely true of most of the men that I know, whether they are friends or family, gay or straight.

But is this segment in the minority?

Tom Junod wrote a mini-essay in Esquire one year ago this month titled, "How to Stay Faithful." I love every word of it, particularly these:

The choice, as he [The Faithful Man] sees it, is not between cheating and not cheating; it's between love and the utter desolation and meaninglessness of lies. He has had to draw the line in order to walk it, and he has had to give up some part of his volition in order to keep himself whole."

Here's the link to the full piece.

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The "hottie" pictured above, by the way, is Giacomo Girolamo Casanova, who looks a little bit like any number of middle-aged women you may bump into at Walmart.

It makes me thankful that I'm no Casanova.

One Halle Of A Show

Wake The Clintons and phone the line of Senators wanting to be President: Barack Obama is on The Late Show with David Letterman tonight. Halle Berry, too.

As I've written before, I think Letterman is a much, much better interviewer than people generally give him credit for, usually asking guests (particularly controversial ones) the kind of questions viewers want the answers to, and not shying away from sensitive subjects.

What will Dave ask? And how will Sen. Obama answer?

And, most importantly, will it float?