Gay Guy Wants to Jingle In Your Pocket

So, I hear they're going to put all 40-something ex-presidents on the new dollar coins? This is kind of neat, especially since there's already an alarming lack of white males on U.S. coinage.

But this is historic. Why? This country's only "confirmed bachelor" president, James Buchanan, has not yet been honored, making him the first gay person ever to appear on a U.S. coin.

Now, I'm not going to defend Buchanan just because we played on the same team. He was, frankly, a pussy, demonstrating no moral compass, no discernable leadership abilities (why do anything when you can find excuses for inaction?) and (perhaps worst of all) a really ghastly fashion sense. He is easily among the three worst presidents EVER, along with Harding and the guy with the jiggly legs who is currently keeping the chair warm in the oval office. That would be Bush the Lesser, of course, the worst president in the history of the United States, the world, and, quite possibly, the entire tri-galaxy region.

***

It Was the Jiggles That Worried Me

Years ago, before Bush the Lesser was appointed president the first time by five members on the Supreme Court, I attended a campaign rally of his to hear what he had to say. I had seen his father speak before, too, and ditto for President Bill Clinton and Al Gore.

When I heard Bush the Greater speak in person back in the 1980s, he seemed so much taller and more charismatic in person that he had ever appeared on TV. Ditto for Al Gore. And when I shook President Clinton's hand at a rally one time, his hand sweaty from a long day of summer campaigning, you couldn't help but feel that this guy seemed to absolutely love what he was doing.

So back to 2000, and I'm at the Bush rally, and I see the future President (not yet on stage) during the rally introductions, and he seems fidgetty. He is standing, and I notice that his right leg is jiggly in an "I want this damn thing to be over" way.

People with jiggly legs aren't suited for the office, I say to myself, so there's no way this guy can win.

I had not thought of this moment for years until last Sunday, when I read a review of Bob Woodward's State of Denial in the New York Times Review of Books.

According to Woodward, the president's legs anxiously jiggle under the table in meetings. He also suggests, as others have, that our adventure in Iraq had less to do with the promotion of democracy and more to do with the president's relationship with his father. Bush wanted to outdo his dad by taking down the tyrant his old man had left standing.

This scares me. Jiggle is a verb best reserved for the hijinx of buxom blondes going wild on spring break, and definitely not for the leader of the free world.