Friday, February 22, 2008

Hillary Clinton = Lisa Simpson (Sometimes)

Whether it's the Little Miss Springfield Pagaent or a school competition for first saxophone in the school band, Lisa Simpson savors achievement. She is smart, competitive, vulnerable. She is embarrased, often, by the men in her life. Like all perfect students, with her high level of competence and intelligence, she expects to win and hates to lose.

In episodes of The Simpson's involving competition or competitive behavior, Lisa Simpson = Hillary Clinton.

Consider the episode titled "Lisa's Rival," the second episode of the show's sixth season, which originally aired on Sept. 11, 1994.

If you watch this episode and others, feel free to use the below key while reading or listening to dialogue.

Hillary Clinton = Lisa
Barack Obama = Allison
Bart = "Your Call"

From "Lisa's Rival"

At lunch time, Lisa approaches Allison, who is seated on a bench eating a sandwich.

Lisa: Hi, Allison, I'm Lisa Simpson. Oh, it's great to finally meet someone who converses above the normal eight-year-old level.

Allison: Actually, I'm seven. I was just skipped ahead because I was getting bored with the first grade.

Lisa: You're younger than me too? [looks worried, starts breathing into her paper lunch bag]

Allison: Are you hyperventilating?

Lisa: No ... I just like to smell my lunch.


Lisa: Well, I gotta go. I have to practice for band auditions.

Allison: Me too! Hey, what instrument do you play?

Lisa: The sax.

Allison: Me too!

Lisa: I'm going for first chair this year.

Allison: Me too!

Lisa: Wow! [disingenuous] We have so much in common, I'm sure we'll be the best of friends...

Allison: Me too.

Lisa: [weakly] Me too...


Lisa: I need help, Mom. There's another girl at school who's smarter, younger, and a better sax player than me. Ew, I feel so average.

Marge: Well, you'll always be number one to me --

Bart: [walking past] Ahem, hello ... first born within earshot.

Marge: Mmm, I meant my number-one girl -- [Maggie tugs on Marge's dress] Oh, for cry -- mmm. Honey, if you get too competitive, you'll never be happy. No matter how good you are, there's always going to be someone better than you. {I always thought I had the
tallest hair, but that trip to Graceland really opened my eyes.}

Lisa: But she's better than me at everything that makes me special!

Marge: Oh, believe me honey, she's more scared of you than you are of her.

Lisa: [sullen] You're thinking of bears, Mom.

Later in the episode, Lisa sabatoges Allison's diorama entry -- a scene from Edgar Allan Poe's The Tell-Tale Heart -- during a school competition, hoping to win by cheating, becoming a schemer determined to win at all costs.

You know, sort of like claiming big wins in the basically uncontested Michigan and Florida democratic primaries; intimidating superdelegates; stealing your opponent's pledged delegates; or drumming up phony plagiarism charges against your opponent.

Then again, even Lisa Simpson would probably admit defeat if she had lost 10 consecutive diarama competitions.

Let the Countdown Begin!

So, let's say you have one dollar, a buck, left off a Christmas gift certificate at Borders. What do you think you could buy for just a buck? I know what I bought.

See below for the Rudolph Guiliani "Countdown to Victory" 16-Month 2007-2009 calendar, now only 60 pennies at your local Borders. Guiliani, by the way, spent $50 million to win exactly one delete before withdrawing.

Thursday, February 21, 2008

They Really Would Like Us? Keep Hope Alive

Barack Obama is perceived by Muslims abroad like no other candidate. He would begin a presidency with tremendous potential to heal U.S. relations with much of the world.
Full story.

1) So What. 2) Who Cares? 3) Shut Up

The New York Times is reporting, and the cable TV news talking heads are screaming about, allegations about John McCain's relationship with a female lobbyist during the 2000 presidential campaign. Countdown With Keith Olberman spent a big chunk of its broadcast discussing the breaking news.

Really, who the fuck cares? It's 8-year-old news, and the parties deny anything happened. Other things may come out later, and, if they do then, I'll listen. But I probably won't care.

But for now can we get off the blue dress talk and talk about real issues? There are much more important things to worry about.

Let's start with health care and the War in Iraq.


Other "Who the Fuck Cares?" news baloney from the last week:

* Idiotic conservative outrage about certain remarks made by Michelle Obama. Who the fuck cares? Not me.
* The Clinton campaign drudging up "plagiarism" "news" about Barack Obama. Who the fuck cares? Not the voters in Hawaii and Wisconsin.

Monday, February 18, 2008

Happy President's Day

I hope you are all celebrating with sheetcake.

Thursday, February 14, 2008

SPOILER ALERT/Prediction: America's First Female President!

It's going to happen. It's going to happen!

But not until 2016.

Meet American President No. 45, and the first female president of the United States: Michelle Obama.

Here's hoping her husband doesn't embarrass her on the campaign trail.

Happy Valentines Day

Friday, February 08, 2008

Romney Bumbles

In honor of the "conservative" candidate who used to be pro-choice and pro-gay and who just dropped out of the presidential race, below is a repost from Jan. 6 about Mitt "American Dad" Romney. It should also be noted that Romney's "I spent $86 million dollars of my own money to win a few states" speech yesterday, in which he said Democrats want to "surrender to terror," was even more annoying that the Nasonex Bee's Spanish conquistador accent, if this is humanly possible.

According to lore, it's been said that the laws of aerodynamics prove that the bumblebee shouldn't technically be capable of flight.

According to other lore, Mitt Romney is the perfect presidential candidate: good looking, well spoken, and with a proven track record of attracting Democratic and independent votes.

So technically, we should be looking at President Mitt Romney around one year from today.

Mitt Romney: A bumblebee who just won't fly.

Thursday, February 07, 2008

Mitt Romney: Democrats Want to Surrender to Terrorists!

From an AP story reporting that Mitt Romney is leaving the presidential race:

"If I fight on in my campaign, all the way to the convention, I would forestall the launch of a national campaign and make it more likely that Senator Clinton or Obama would win. And in this time of war, I simply cannot let my campaign, be a part of aiding a surrender to terror." (SOURCE)

Maybe it's a good time to remind Mitt that the War in Iraq, which Obama has opposed from the start, has actually created more terrorists and America-haters around the world.

And, if he didn't know it, Mitt should also note that Iraq was not responsible for 9/11, either.

People like myself who have been against the War from the beginning don't want to "aid" terrorists, and it's highly offensive for someone to suggest that we do. Highly offensive.

Mitt Romney is a complete a-wipe.


UPDATE: He just said the "surrender to terror" line on MSNBC. And, yes, he is still an a-wipe.

Wednesday, February 06, 2008

Memo to Mitt: Five People Worse Than Bob Dole

Mitt Romney recently said that former Republican presidential candidate Bob Dole is "probably the last person I would have wanted to have write a letter for me."

The remark was in response to a letter Dole supposedly wrote to conservative talk show host Rush Limbaugh in defense of John McCain.

I'd just like to say that I strongly disagree with Mitt. In fact, I can think of at least five other people whose support I would not want, despite the fact that Mitt Romney can't think of a single other soul (other than War hero and veteran Dole) whose support he would dread more than a respected member of his own party.

I'd say my five would be:

1) Omar al-Bashir, Sudan. His ethnic cleansing has killed hundreds of thousands of civilians in Darfur. I would HATE IT if this man wrote me a letter of support, and (completely disagreeing with Mitt Romney) would much prefer a letter of support from a War hero like Bob Dole.

2) Osama Bin Laden. For obvious reasons that I'd be happy to explain to Mitt if wants to call me or send an email.

3) Kim Jong-il, North Korea. It is estimated that up to 250,000 of his own people are confined in re-education camps in a country where real freedom doesn't exist. Just awful.

4) Roseanne Barr.

5) Janice Dickenson

Tuesday, February 05, 2008

Have a Super Tuesday

Hillary Clinton was on the Late Show with David Letterman last night. She was terrific. She came off as likeable and wise. I won't be voting for her today.

I will be voting for Barack Obama. The LA Times endorsement from last week put the "why" better than I can.
In the language of metaphor, Clinton is an essay, solid and reasoned; Obama is a poem, lyric and filled with possibility. Clinton would be a valuable and competent executive, but Obama matches her in substance and adds something that the nation has been missing far too long -- a sense of aspiration.

Here's hoping that you aspire to vote today.

Quote of the Night

"In my White House, you'll know who wears the pants suits."

-- Hillary Clinton, to David Letterman on Super-Tuesday-Eve, on The Late Show.

Monday, February 04, 2008

Quote of the Day

"He wasn't experienced enough to authorize the invasion of Iraq."

- Robert De Niro, endorsing Barack Obama.

Saturday, February 02, 2008

Friday, February 01, 2008


Yes, you should be worried.

It is befuddling why this issue doesn't alarm conservatives. My bells are ringing, and it's certainly not an AT&T ringtone.

Lost Season Premiere