Tuesday, October 31, 2006

Suggested Halloween Costumes for 2006

The Who: You Better Bet They Rock

1982: The last time The Who released an album, and the last time (before last Friday) the Cardinals won a World Series.

This all changes today when The Who releases "Endless Wire," its first album of new material in 24 years.

Do a favor for Boris the Spider and check out this new release. Unlike John Cougar Mellencamp, and his "Our Country" single, I hope Roger Daltry and Pete Townshend haven't written any songs specifically designed to become TV jingles for trucks.

Monday, October 30, 2006

The Great YouTube Purge of 2006

Attorneys at Comedy Central aren't laughing.

Approximately 30,000 clips from the station's shows, including some provocative political humor from The Colbert Report and The Daily Show With Jon Stewart, have been purged from YouTube. YouTube began the mass deletions following legal threats.

This is good news for people who like George Bush, and a sound defeat for all Americans who love fake news.

Which is Scarier?

Lon Cheney, or Dick Cheney?

George Bush, or George Hamilton?

Saturday, October 28, 2006


This is the number of people we high-fived outside of Busch Stadium last night after the Cards won.

This is a conservative estimate.


Career record: 2297-1986, third all-time for total career wins, trailing only Connie Mack (3,731) and John McGraw (2,763).

Along with Sparky Anderson, he is only the second manager to win the World Series in both leagues.

We'll see you in Cooperstown, Tony.

No More Waiting

Friday, October 27, 2006


Are you scared yet?

How about now?

Thursday, October 26, 2006

Cup of Joe Exclusive With Nasonex Bee

We here at The Cup of Joe recently sat down with the Nasonex Bee at an undisclosed coffee shop in Collinsville, Ill., for an exclusive interview. There were no ground rules for the interview, and no limitations were placed on what we could discuss with the Nasonex Bee. The interview comes in light of recent news involving big pharmaceutical companies trying to influence the midterm elections with donations to Republican candidates.

Cup of Joe: Welcome to Collinsville, Nasonex Bee, it’s an honor to meet you.

Nasonex Bee: Right back at ya, Cup o’ Joe. Please, call me N.B. You can also call me Mometasone Furoate.

COJ: Thanks, N.B. In terms of anti-inflammatory steroidal nasal sprays, we here at the Cup of Joe think you’re the greatest.

NB: Flattery will get you everywhere! (Laughs)

COJ: We like your accent. Is it Spanish?

NB: I call it my "conquistador Spanish." But I grew up in Pittsburgh.

COJ: It’s sexy. You must be a killer bee when it comes to the ladies.

NB: I do all right; I get my share. Let's just put it this way: The honeys sure do like to swarm around my hive. (Winks)

COJ: Can you share any more information, N.B., information not in the police report, involving the assault charges stemming against you in light of your barroom brawl with Digger the Dermatophyte over the Lunesta butterfly?

NB: Mind your own beeswax. My attorney has advised that I don’t speak any more on this matter. I can say, however, that I care very deeply for Lunesta the Butterfly. We had some rough times when she was still in the larval stage, but our relationship has blossomed since she metamorphosized. I can say nothing more.

COJ: If you could sting one person in the world, whom would it be?

NB: Michael J. Fox.

COJ: Fox?

NB: We agree with Rush Limbaugh. He was faking it in those TV commercials for Democrats. This was his worst performance since Teen Wolf. I would sting him right now if it didn’t mean that I’d be dead within the hour.

COJ: There have been unconfirmed reports, N.B., about drug companies seeking to influence the November elections in favor of Republicans, such as Rick Santorum in Pennsylvania, a Senator who supported legislation that makes it impossible for the government to negotiate better and fairer prices for prescription medications such as Nasonex. What's the buzz you are hearing about this?

NB: The Democrats voted against body armor for our soldiers in Iraq.

COJ: What does this have to do with Senators being bought and sold by the drug companies?

NB: The Democrats want to cut and run. This is all I can say. Again, I could sting you right now, but it means I’d be dead within the hour. You’re simply not worth it.

COJ: So will the Republicans win?

N.B.: I think we’re going to retain the House and Senate --- by a nose. (Laughs)

COJ: (Laughs.)

NB: (Still laughing)

COJ: Thank you for your time, Senor Mometasone Furoate. We really appreciate you spending this time with us this afternoon. With the election just two weeks away, we know you are busy as a bee trying to get Republicans elected. Enjoy the rest of your double latte.

Couric Interviews Fox

Moments ago, the Michael J. Fox interview with Katie Couric (whose father suffers from Parkinson's disease) aired on the CBS Evening News. Couric writes:
He trembled uncontrollably, and his legs shook, but he explained it was actually a side effect of not taking enough medication. He told me he reduced his dosage because he didn’t want to have dyskinesia, which is the side effect of too much medication, and which causes the swaying back and forth that was so evident in the controversial ad for Missouri Democratic Senate candidate Claire McCaskill. Fox said that he can never tell from one day to the next how serious his symptoms will be. It’s a crapshoot. Our interview lasted about 30 minutes.
You can read Couric's full blog entry on the interview and eventually view the unedited interview at the link starting here.

Wednesday, October 25, 2006

Bees and Butterflies Could Decide Election

This story begs a question: If the Republicans win the midterm elections in two weeks, does this mean we should point the finger at 1) the Nasonex Bee, 2) Digger the Dermatophyte or 3) the Lunesta Butterfly?

Good TV and High Sodium

On the menu tonight*: a Healthy Choice microwave meal -- Sesame Chicken -- and (for dessert) a new episode in the second season of that tasty Bravo series Top Chef.

Bon Appetit.

(*Assuming, of course, a rainout of the World Series.)

Worst (and Best) Magazine Covers

Simon Dumenco at Advertising Age has come up with a delightful list of some of the worst magazine covers of the last few years. We can't help but agree that Rosie's "staph is no laugh" cover is not only bad, it's a little nauseating. ("To this day I'm thankful Rosie didn't have, like, a really bad yeast infection," writes Dumenco.)

And if you like to keep your glass half full, the winners selected as the best magazine covers of the last year can be found here and here. Surprise: The New Yorker won.

20 + 4 = Cure for Cancer?

A prediction for the upcoming season of 24 on Fox: Jack Bauer, in between foiling (by himself) simultaneous terrorist attacks in major U.S. cities, also will end global childhood hunger, cure cancer and win the Nobel Prize for literature. (This is provided that Chloe is able to download the mainframe data to Jack's PDA in less than 10 seconds, before Bierko can reprogram the trigger mechanism for the stolen cannisters.)

And Jack won't even break a sweat.

You can watch the trailer for the new season at this link. And be warned: Things aren't looking so rosy for San Antonio and St. Louis.

Tuesday, October 24, 2006

Oh Mary

Mary Matalin just said on MSNBC, moments ago, that not only will the Republicans not lose the Midterm elections, they will actually pick up seats.

The only explanation for this is that she's either seen first-hand the frozen body of Osama Bin Laden or she knows something we don't know about all those new electronic voting machines that have no paper trail.

Just what's inside the Karl Rove bag of magic tricks? Does Mary know?

Madonna Mix + GW = Heard It All Before

Rush to Judgment

What kind of reaction is the Michael J. Fox ad for the Democrat in the Missouri Senate race getting from conservatives?

He's being called a faker.

If these people knew first-hand what Parkinson's disease can do to a person, they would NEVER make comments like these.

And read more here, too.

Hot Smudge Sunday

Now that the world knows that the aging Detroit pitcher Kenneth "I've had dirt on my hand in the exact same spot all season" Rogers is very likely both a liar and a cheater, why don't you all head over to despair.com and buy him a retirement gift? Maybe a little something to hang in his den.

After watching the tape from Sunday night's game, I think the guy should have been pine-tarred and feathered right out of the Series.

Monday, October 23, 2006

It Aint Apple Butter

I've Deep-Sixed Studio 60 From My Tivo

Earlier this month, I wrote about Studio 60 on the Sunset Strip. At the time, I gave the show one more episode before I canned it off my Tivo.

I lied. I could only suffer watching 20 minutes of last Monday's show (The Vanity Fair storyline was the last straw) before I deleted the episode, and canceled the "season pass" for the series itself.

Although I gave my own reasons in an earlier post why I think the show is free-falling into irrelevance, Robert Bianco nails it on the head in this article in USA Today. It's such a shame: There's so much talent associated with this show, both in front of and behind the camera.

Goodbye Studio 60. Get well soon, my old friend. If not, we hope you enjoy your time in monologue heaven.

Saturday, October 21, 2006

It's Spin City Time for Stem Cell Ads

Michael J. Fox is the star of some new TV commercials for the Democratic senatorial candidate from Missouri. They started airing this weekend. This spot is a little jarring, if all you remember about Fox are his four Emmy awards for Family Ties and Spin City, or for his roles in Back to the Future and Teen Wolf. It doesn't really matter what conservatives and liberals think of this ad, since the race is going to be decided by a sliver of independents who can't seem to make up their minds about anything. ("Hmm, should I have the egg salad or the oatmeal?") I think independents are going to remember this ad when they're in the voting booth. What do you think?

And below is a link to another ad on the stem cell issue in Missouri, the one featuring a girl who is pretty upset about being conned into selling her (unfertilized) eggs to help pay her college bills. Apparently, thousands of young woman will be preyed upon by unruthless egg buyers if Amend. 2 on the ballot passes. It's ruined her life, don't you know. Watch the ad here.

Here's my take on the issue: I hope the people voting NO on this ballot issue will also support candidates that will help this poor girl afford her college tuition, and who aren't members of a party that has slashed aid for higher education.

This is an important election. It's for the same seat once held by Harry Truman, the great liberal Senator (and president) who took courageous stands for civil rights at the risk of his own political popularity, and who advocated national health care more than 50 years ago.

Alex P. Keaton would have hated Harry Truman.

A Question for Sweet Lou

I wonder if there'll be any Republican protestors at the World Series tonight in Detroit when the Cardinals take on the Tigers. A lot of these players are hispanic, and they're taking jobs from American boys.

Right Lou Dobbs?

Read great baseball
coverage on Deadspin.

Friday, October 20, 2006

To The Readers: You Complete Me

Today, with readership of this blog climbing higher, we turn over The Cup of Joe to reader questions.

Why did you create The Cup of Joe?
-- Sally, Cleveland
Thanks for the question, Sally. We created The Cup of Joe because we saw a void in the blogosphere for sites tightly focused on politics, TV, movies and kittens. We think this is an underserved and potentially lucrative market.
You suck. Republicans are going to kick ass.
-- Sammy, Yorktown
I'm sorry that The Cup of Joe is not your cup of tea. Was this a question?
I read your post on Lord of the Rings and Rick Santorum. Do you think Gollum would be a Democrat or Republican?
--Frank, Collingswood, N.J.
Again, this is an excellent question. I think Gollum/Smegal is largely apolitical. He will go with any party that dangles before him his precious ring and promises of immortality.
I think it's hypocritical for you to say it's wrong to out celebrities but it's OK to out creepy-looking hypocritical politicians? What's your deal?
-- Gordy, Bethesda, MA

You can't be further from the truth, my friend. I'm for outing hypocritical policians regardless of whether they're creepy looking or not.
What kind of blogger are you? You blog about baseball and Project Runway. I think you're a freak. I can't stand you. You are insufferable.
-- Wally, Potosi, Missouri
Thank you for your note, Wally. Maybe we can talk about it before we go to bed tonight, ok pumpkin?

Perfect Pitchers Lead to Perfect Picture

I'm *so sorry* that The Today Show anchors will now have to watch two Midwest teams in the World Series. I'm sorry, Meridith and Matt, whose disappointment was clear this morning. You should really visit the Midwest sometime (or any of the "fly-over states") on your way to LA. You might just like it.

Thursday, October 19, 2006

Cat Toy Could Replace Pundits By 2010

In 1996, we here at The Cup of Joe correctly predicted the re-election of President Bill Clinton using not a single exit poll. Instead, we employed Cat Toy Predictor '96™, a device that has correctly predicted the results of every election in the last decade, including the ascent of German Chancellor Angela Merkel and the election of Felipe Calderon as the new president of Mexico.

You can see what's left of the original device to the right. It's gotten quite a lot of use over the years, mostly for non-political purposes involving countless hours of untold enjoyment. On it are pictures of all the major presidential candidates that year: Clinton, Bob Dole, the late Harry Browne (libertarian) and Ross Perot, who for the purposes of this blog entry we'll assume is still living. Click any image to see a larger view.

The device works very simply: Wherever the orange ball lands predicts who the winner will be.

In the coming weeks, look for the results of Cat Toy Predictor 2006. Don't believe the polls, my friends, believe The Cup of Joe.

Cat Toy Predictor 2006 will work this way:

* If the ball lands on former U.S. Rep. Mark Foley, U.S. Sen. Larry Craig from Idaho or Snagglepuss the Gay Mountain Lion, the Republicans will retain a slim majority in both houses of Congress.

* If the ball lands on Bill Clinton, the Democrats will get control of the U.S. Congress.

* If the ball lands on Barry Goldwater, Republicans will keep their paws on one chamber of Congress and Democrats the other.

* And if the ball lands on George W. Bush, I'm asking my doctor for some Lexapro.

Wednesday, October 18, 2006

U.S. Senator Has Feet Firmly
Planted on Middle-Earth

From salon.com:
In an interview with the editorial board of the Bucks County Courier Times, embattled Pennsylvania Sen. Rick Santorum has equated the war in Iraq with J.R.R. Tolkien's "Lord of the Rings." According to the paper, Santorum said that the United States has avoided terrorist attacks at home over the past five years because the "Eye of Mordor" has been focused on Iraq instead.

"As the hobbits are going up Mount Doom, the Eye of Mordor is being drawn somewhere
else," Santorum said. "It's being drawn to Iraq and it's not being drawn to the U.S. You know what? I want to keep it on Iraq. I don't want the Eye to come back here to the United States."
This is kind of neat how Santorum is able to tie together the War in Iraq and the War for Middle-earth, the two great epic fantasies of the past century.

This also begs some questions:

* Does Santorum think that Gimli Son of Gloin would make a better secretary of defense than Donald Rumsfeld?

* Whom would he predict the Dark Lord Sauron would support as the next Democratic presidential nominee?

* If the good Senator from the great state of Pennsylvania had been a member of the council of elders, would he have voted for or against body armor for dwarves?

* If hobbits in The Shire demanded legalized gay marriage, would the Senator support A Federal Defense of Marriage Act for all of Middle-earth? Would gay marriages in The Shire also be recognized in the Mines of Moria?

* If high-speed and wireless Internet were available in Middle-earth, is there any danger that Gandalf the Grey would be outed as Gandalf the Gay?

Speaking of things that could be neat: If Sen. Santorum loses the election next month, he may have more time for reading. May I suggest that he and Sen. Larry Craig from Idaho get together and form a book club. First on the reading list: Fellowship of the Cock Ring.

Full story from Salon here.

Tuesday, October 17, 2006

Glory (Hole) Be to the Gay Senator?

Just seconds ago, U.S. Senator Larry Craig of Idaho, a conservative Republican who has an anti-gay voting record, was outed by a guest on The Ed Schultz Show, a radio show that airs on more than 100 affiliate stations across the United States.

I don't know whether this is true or not. This is why I believe this "votes like he hates the gays" Senator should go on Meet the Press Sunday to discuss the matter.

Here are some potential questions for Tim Russert.

1) Senator, welcome to Meet the Press. What's your favorite Madonna album?

2) During the 1970s, did you ever sport a Magnum P.I. moustache?

3) Should we pursue a constitutional amendment guaranteeing Americans the right to moisturize?

4) Is there such a thing as "dressing too sexy"? If there is, have you ever been guilty?

5) There, right there. In your back pocket. What color is that hanky there?

6) What's your gay.com screenname?

7) If you had to choose between two different drag queen nicknames -- Miss Allegra or Miss Claritin -- which would it be, and why?

8) Why are you making love to me with your eyes?

9) The two-button or the three-button suit: What Would Jesus Do?

10) You advocated the Federal Marriage Amendment that would have changed the constitution to prevent gays from marrying. You voted to confirm anti-gay judges. You have a voting record of "F" for gay-related issues according to one website. Senator, if you were to run into a gay person later this afternoon, say in the men's stall at a public restroom, how would you explain your votes to him?

Honestly, I'm not sure that the good Senator would explain his votes. In my opinion, I think it's clear he'd rather show than tell.

More on voting records here, and general info here.

Original source here.

We're All In A Red State Tonight

Missouri is in the middle of a contentious Senate race, and it's anybody's guess who will win. In addition, there's also a stem cell amendment on the ballot that is dividing well-meaning people for religious reasons.

However, when 50,000 fans show up at Busch Stadium tonight in the NLCS game against the Mets, we'll agree on the same two things:

* We want the Cardinals to win.

* Albert Pujols es El Hombre.

This is one of the joys of sports. For cities, they are uniters, not dividers, something this country could use a little of right now.

And the best thing about actually going to the game tonight? You don't have to watch any political TV commercials.

This, in itself, makes paying $8.50 for a single beer well worth the price.

Will U.S. Senator Exit Closet Stage Left?

We've already established that I don't like it when celebrities are outed.

However, this doesn't apply to hypocritical U.S. politicians (or cartoon mountain lions).

Tonight, a gay blogger says he's going to out a conservative Republican U.S. Senator.

Think all these limp-wristed Republicans are starting to regret using the gay-marriage ballot issues in 2004 to get George Bush reelected?

I wonder who it's going to be?

Heavens to Murgatroyd!

Stick A Fork In It

My mom used to tell me it was a sin if I didn't clean my plate.

Turns out, the Catholic church used to tell people it was a sin if they used a fork to clean their plate. From CBS Sunday Morning:
CBS -- Since they were first used, utensils have evolved a great deal. The spoon came first, then the knife and the fork as we know it today, existed mainly for spearing things It wasn't widely used as an eating utensil until the 16th century, partly thanks to the devil.

"It reminded people of the devil's horns," Darra Goldstein, the co-curator of "Feeding Desire," an exhibition of tableware at the Cooper-Hewitt National Design Museum in New York, told Sunday Morning correspondent Martha Teichner. "Even apart from the association with the devil, the idea was that God gave us hands and God gives us food, and we as humans should take that food that was given by God with our god-given hands and convey it to our mouths, and so there was tremendous resistance by the Catholic church to the introduction of the fork."
Full story here.

It pleases me that the church no longer thinks using a fork is the devil's work.

It also pleases me that the church no longer disputes Galileo's belief in a heliocentric universe, and that's he's no longer considered one who blasphemed.

Two things:
* I wonder what Galileo would have thought about stem cell research.

* I wonder what Galileo would have thought about forks.

Monday, October 16, 2006

I'm Going On A Tivo Diet

Look out, Marc Tucker: I'm going cold turkey on some TV shows I've watched for more than a decade.

Over the last week, I've eliminated Saturday Night Live (following two weak first episodes of the season) and Late Night With Conan O'Brien from the Tivo rotation.

Cutting Conan was a tough decision: I've been watching him off and on since he first went on the air in 1993.

Back when his show started, when everyone else was talking about how terrible Late Night was, I thought it was must-see TV and easily one of the funniest shows on television. (I still have some of these shows on tape somewhere. Maybe it's time for me load the Sassy Aunt Venita sketches to YouTube?) It's still funny, really funny, but I've decided to tape only one hour-long talk show per day, and I'm going with Late Night With David Letterman. Dave has been outstanding lately. (More on Dave in a future post.)

The latest victim of my Tivo Diet, I fear, will be Studio 60 on the Sunset Strip. Tonight, it's getting taped possibly for the last time.

I like Studio 60 well enough. However, while I find it OK to be self-important if you're writing a show about running the free world (The West Wing), I find it a little harder to lap up the monologue-spewing self-importance when what's at stake is a weekly TV show featuring as characters a bunch of LA phonies in the entertainment business.

My reaction to last week's episode of Studio 60: I can't believe I watched the whole thing.