Do You Know What Boys Like?

Quote of the Night

“I’m speechless,” Kail told America on Big Brother 8 tonight, beaming over the fact that she was not evicted from the house. “Prayer does work. Oh my goodness. Whew!”

As I mentioned in a previous post, it’s now time for Kail to start praying for an end to childhood hunger, an abundance of clean water around the world, and cures for all types of cancer.

Kail and Paula Want Help From God

Tonight, on Big Brother 8, we'll find out whether Kail will be evicted from the house. Who is Kail? She is the Christian contestant who is lying about her wealth and hiding the fact that she owns several businesses. She also has expressed horror, on national TV, at the thought of having a gay or lesbian son or daughter.

On Tuesday night, Kail told America via the confessional that whether she gets evicted tonight is NOT in the hands of Dick, the guy who nominated her for eviction. Rather, she told the camera, it's in the hands of God.

So let me get this straight: God has done nothing to stop the War in Iraq or any of the horrible ethnic and religous conflicts that permeate the globe, but She or He does definitely have a plan in store for whether Kail gets evicted?

Sigh.

Amber from Big Brother 8 also has expressed similar reliance on God, and she thinks God is profoundly concerned with whether she gets evicted from the house.

Sigh.

***

Also this week, we here at The Cup of Joe watched Hey Paula on Bravo for the first time.

Let's put Paula's life in perspective. She is stinking rich and lives a life of luxury, with personal assistants for wardrobe, scheduling, hair, etc, but feels the need to break out in tears seemingly every 15 minutes or so, because of how overworked she is. Or how people mistreat her. Take note that while she is having a breakdown, her assistants don't seem to react much. They must be used to it.

On the last episode I watched, Paula described "the most hideous experience for me to could go through." It didn't involve starvation, war, terrorism, or cancer.

"I wonder, where's God when you need him (voice cracking) ... because this just does not any sense," she told the camera.

So what was this horrifying thing that happened to her? You can watch the video below and find out. It's not about losing a limb, contracting the flesh-eating bacteria, or death by slow torture, all of which are "hideous experiences."



More background here. Other sources frame Paula's hideous/horrifying experience in a much different light.

UPDATE:

Kail was not evicted from the Big Brother House last night. Instead, Mike "the painting contractor who's really a model" was evicted.

God must be answering Kail's prayers, which is why I wish that she'll start praying for an end to the War in Iraq and a cure for cancer.

Amber Waves

"Amber" was nominated for eviction on tonight's episode of Big Brother 8 on CBS. Here's how she put the news in perspective:

I feel like being on the block -- [starts crying] I'm sorry -- is a gift from Him. I feel that God put me on the block as a gift to prepare me for long-term things. I think this is just His way of making me stronger.

Later, she added:

I really feel God is on my side; I think He is going to do the right thing.

Now, Amber seems nice enough. But please, America, repeat after me:

1) God doesn't care who wins the Super Bowl.
2) God doesn't care how much money you give to televangelists.
3) God doesn't care who gets evicted from Big Brother 8 on CBS. In fact, I'm fairly certain it's not even on his (or her) Tivo list.

***

7 More Days Until Mid-Life Crisis is Televised

Next Sunday is the premiere of VH1's newest reality show, Scott Baio is 45 ... and Single, in which the commitment phobic Baio tries to charge up his love life by finding his real-life Joanie. This is the way the show is described on the VH1 Website:

Over the past 25 years, Scott Baio has lived a life that all red-blooded American males' would sell their big screen TV, car and soul for, boasting a jaw-dropping roster of erotic ex's that would even make Warren Beatty blush. This extensive line-up of Hollywood honeys include: Heather Locklear, Pam Anderson, Denise Richards and Nicolette Sheridan.

But now, staring down the barrel of middle age, Scott has come to the end of his philandering rope. At 45, he finds himself at a mid-life crisis of mythic proportions, wondering why he's still single, alone and still unable to settle down and commit to a substantial, meaningful relationship.

With nowhere else to turn, Scott has decided to fully surrender the next eight weeks of his life to a highly-regarded life-coach. This person will guide him on a grueling, soul-searching mission; forcing him to confront a laundry list of old flames in order to hopefully get to the heart of his lonely heart condition.

Each episode, he will have to confront another chapter from his semi-sordid past, by actually reconnecting with some of his most substantial and combustible flames in order to get the bottom of his bad-boy behavior.

With the help of his long-time pals, Scott will be able to successfully sift through the wreckage of his past, and endure an assortment of life-altering activities, (including abstinence), in order to finally earn the chance at actually maintaining a meaningful, stable, healthy relationship.

Well, I'm not 45 years old, not yet, but one thing I have learned is that ... people don't change.

Gonorrhea and Big Brother 8: When Exes Attack

Big Brother 8 aired for the first time Thursday night on CBS, and two gay men who had a bitter breakup were reunited, unexpectedly, as "houseguests" for perhaps all summer. Oy.

The one guy, Dustin, called his ex a habitual lyer with nipples the size of pepperonis, while the other guy, Joe, accused his ex on national TV of giving him gonorrhea. Oy.

And by "Oy" I really mean "this is good TV."

To explain this vituperative behavior, what other evil deeds did these two inflict on each other? Did Joe steal Dustin's dance space on the box at Berlin during Madonna night? Was Dustin sneaking around on Joe by singing Sunday showtunes with other men at Sidetrack? I guess we'll find out.

So I have a question for Chicago readers/Big Brother watchers or other people whose name might be Johnboy and who just moved from Chicago: Which of these two is most likely to take bitchiness to Defcon 1?

Here's one blogger's take on it. He's not kind to Joe, and after one episode, I tend to agree.

... I just hope that both Dustin and Joe remember that, more often than not, you are what you hate.

***

My Five Favorite TV Series Finales

PART OF A CONTINUING SERIES.

In light of The Sopranos finale last night, here are my Five Favorite TV series finales of all time.

I was fortunate enough to see each show live the night of its last first-run episode, except for my tentative pick for Number 5, The Fugitive. The night it aired, Aug. 22, 1967, I was too busy soiling my diapers to worry much about what the one-armed man was up to.

Here's my favorites:

1. Newhart. (1990)

2. Mary Tyler Moore Show. (1977)

3. St. Elsewhere. (1988)

4. The Tonight Show (1992)

5. I'm leaning toward The Fugitive (1967). But I'm taking nominations (and reminders) for No. 5 in the comments. After I rewatch the episode, I may even consider .... The Sopranos.

My Five Favorite Paris Hilton Quote 'Re-Writes'

Ms. Hilton, 26, wearing no makeup and with her hair disheveled, sobbed and screamed, “Mom, this isn’t right,” as she was taken from the packed courtroom by deputies.

This is from the New York Times on Saturday, and "this" is what I'm interested in. And by "this" I mean, quite literally, "this."

Just exactly what is Paris referring to when she uses the pronoun "this"? It could refer back to many things.

I'm going to a stab at what Paris Hilton really meant by "this" by replacing the pronoun with what she could have been talking about in this quote.

1. "Mom, being famous for really doing nothing and having no talent isn't right."

2. "Mom, never having to work a day in my life isn't right."

3. "Mom, that cloying look I give the paparozzi when they take my picture isn't right."

4. "Mom, the media pay more attention to me than they do the War in Iraq and it isn't right."

5. "Mom, I'm a household name because I made a porn video and it isn't right."

Unreal

As if we needed more proof about just how fake reality TV really is.

Love on the Battlefield

Democratic presidential candidate Mike Gravel, the former Senator from Alaska, explained last night on The Colbert Report about why homosexuality should be encouraged in the armed forces.

It all comes down to love on the battlefield, he says around the 3:35 mark below, and the result would save lives. Watch:



"In Sparta, they encouraged homosexuality because they [soldiers] fight for the people they love."
-- Former Sen. Mike Gravel on "don't ask, don't tell."

A lot of people may be inclined to say Gravel has rocks in his head, but think about it: If you're hetersexual or homosexual, wouldn't you fight harder and with more passion if your wife or lover were right next to you, and whose life was in danger?

No D'oh For American Idol As It Raises ... Dough

Here's a Simpsons cartoon from last night's episode of American Idol, "Idol Gives Back," which focused on raising money and awareness about global poverty. I had to fast-forward through parts since I got home late and had two episodes of Lost to watch, but I thought the show was very well-done in giving Americans a glimpse into just how lucky most of us are.

Who Gets Your Vote?

Who's the smoothest operator? Sanjaya Malakar from American Idol or medical reporter/neurosurgeon Dr. Sanjay Gupta from CBS/CNN?

My Reaction To The Quality of the Musical Arrangements on Last Night's American Idol

Who could really sound good with arrangements like that?

And was that really Mickey from The Monkeys in the front row?

Operation Kitten Calendar

I did a post about a recommended new show on VH 1 called Acceptable TV a couple weeks ago. A blog reader, my friend Peaches, sent along one of the latest videos from the show, "Operation Kitten Calendar," which I missed since my Tivo has been on the blink. It's sure to please cat lovers, and cat haters.

How YouTube Is Shaping A New Kind of TV

If you like parodies, you may want to check out the new show on VH1 called Acceptable TV. Each week they have five mini TV show pilots. Viewers vote on their favorites: Two shows get renewed, and three get canceled. You can watch the five mini pilots here.

This week's pilots include a James Bond spoof called Homeless James Bond; a short called Joke Chasers that draws inspiration from those God-awful Ghost-hunting shows that my friend Bobby M and my LUH-ver Wally seem to live for; and a game show called Who Farted? that parodies Deal or No Deal by crossing it with any number of other of the new breed of game shows, such as Identity.

I think my favorite might have been The Teensies, a short inspired by the old cartoon The Littles, about a miniature family that lives with some potheads.

Voting ends today.

With the advent of YouTube and DVR's, the whole economic model of TV is changing, and this show -- which features a built in advertising sponsor -- is a recognition of this fact.

The Town Crier

Here's my prescription for the little girl who kept crying last night on American Idol, a girl who just coincidentally was placed near the front of the studio and in a camera-friendly seat, almost as if it had been planned by producers!:

1. Daily use of Celexa, 20 mg.

2. A hug, and an "I love you sweetie" from her parents.

3. Acting lessons, and quite possibly an agent.

***

God bless this emotional little girl! But if the producers used her as a TV stunt -- something she could face ridicule for for a long time coming -- then shame on them.

No hugs for American Idol producers!

***

Letterman Calls In Sick

David Letterman called in sick last night to The Late Show after eating a can of Special Kitty Select Cuts, according to an unfounded and false Internet rumor created earlier in this sentence by the website The Cup of Joe.

No word yet from Letterman's spokesperson about why he may have been eating the gourmet cat food.

Sandler, by the way, did a nice job filling in. Above, he is interviewing his dog, Matzoball, who thankfully does not appear to eat dog food meatballs with a tainted gravy complement.

Sandler said Letterman, who had been complaining for weeks about how he's been under the weather since Christmas, had the flu.

Here's hoping Dave gets better soon.

***

The Love Song From Oliver! About A Murderer

Melinda Doolittle just finished singing "As Long As He Needs Me" on American Idol. It's a song from the musical Oliver!

A little background about the song: Within the context of Oliver! it's sung by the character of Nancy, and she's singing about her boyfriend ... a violent criminal named Bill Sykes who physically abuses Nancy and, by the end of show, clubs her to death.

That said, it's a beautiful song about a very ugly relationship based on undeserved female loyalty and co-dependence. (Read the song lyrics here.) I've heard it sung many times before, by various actresses, and I really LOVED what Doolittle did with it.

She's in a totally different class than most of the other remaining 10 contestants, don't you think?

Dave Has Questions For Paula

Oprah Winfrey says that when you interview someone, always ask the questions you really want the answers to.

David Letterman, who is a much better interviewer than people give him credit for, asked Paula Abdul three questions last night on The Late Show that would have made Oprah proud:

1. Did you have sex with that kid on the show?

2. What about the reports that you were drinking on the show?

3. Have you ever taken any pain medication or any kind of prescription drugs that make you seem incoherent or fuzzy?

However, in the clip that CBS uploaded to YouTube, you won't hear him asking these questions, and you'll only hear Paula answering, sort of, a related question that was phrased slightly differently.

Below is an edited portion of the interview, which was in no way contentious. (Dave told Paula he is a big fan of American Idol.) Paula's answers to the above questions (paraphrased by me) were:

1) No.
2) I don't drink and have never been drunk.
3) No.

Bush White House Wanted to Say 'You're Fired' 93 Times

We learned this morning that the Bush administration considered firing all 93 U.S. attorneys.

I wonder what went wrong?

* Did these attorneys chose the wrong color napkin during a "create the perfect bridal reception" elimination challenge?

* Did they sell fewer bottles of gourmet salad dressing than the boys in the sheriff's office during a competition at an area organic food super center?

* Did they underperform in a competition involving creating a line of sexy new swimsuits?

Maybe these 93 men and women deserved to be fired? Without competitive skills in all these areas, especially the ability to create sexy swimsuits and kiss Karl Rove's political ass, they may not deserve these jobs that are so critical to the health and functioning of our beloved democracy.