20 Minutes Could Change Your Life?

What if I told you that you could live a longer and healthier life, and improve greatly your physical appearance and attractiveness to others, and you could learn how to do it in just 20 minutes? Now, I realize that this is a whopping 12 minutes more than the 8-minute abs plan, but please, hear me out.

Here's the plan:

1. Tonight, don't start watching American Idol at 8 p.m. Start your DVR at 8, but start watching at 8:20, and fast-forward through the commercials. You'll catch up to live by the time Ryan Seacrest and his Forehead of Botox do the sign-off. You now have an extra 20 minutes in your day.

2. Today, print out this article that ran a few weeks ago in the New York Times Magazine. Fold it and put in your pocket. Keep it within close reach.

3. At 8 p.m., start reading the article. It should take between 15 and 30 minutes depending on how fast you read. Read it closely. Stop and pause over some of the sentences.

4. Think about what you've read critically. There's a lot of common sense here, but feel free to challenge assumptions if you wish. Share it with friends. Then think about tomorrow's bowl of oatmeal and your lunchtime dried cranberry spinach salad.

The article I link to is about "nutritionism" and diet and food, and about how what you put in your mouth affects your health. I've been meaning to read it since Jan. 23, when it originally appeared, but finally made the time to finish it yesterday while pulling this same DVR trick with 24.

Read the article and then ask yourself: What do you put in your mouth?

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It Was A Fair Question

The other day, just as Wally was leaving my house, he overheard me talking to my cat.

In what was sort of a monologue, I was letting my little princess know how proud I was of her, how she's grown into a wonderful and elegant young lady, how she should never sleep with a boy cat just because he purrs at her, and how my little heaven-sent angel is not only pretty on the outside, but that she radiates an essential inner beauty that is so much more important. I reminded my little girl that she is a confident, self-assured young lady who doesn't need the affirmations of a male cat (in this case a frisky one) to validate her essential dignity and her inherent self-worth.

Wally then asked me: This is what you do when I'm not here, right?

I said yes.

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Confidence and Bravado: A President's Day Reflection

"The difference between the almost right word & the right word," Mark Twain wrote in 1888, " is really a large matter -- it's the difference between the lightning bug and the lightning."

I thought of this quote last week while reading an entry on Andrew Sullivan's The Daily Dish about Abraham Lincoln. It's a letter from Lincoln to Ulysses Grant in which he admits a mistake:

My dear General,

I do not remember that you and I ever met personally. I write this now as a grateful acknowledgment for the almost inestimable service you have done the country. I wish to say a word further. When you first reached the vicinity of Vicksburg, I thought you should do, what you finally did -- march the troups across the neck, run the batteries with the transports, and thus go below; and I never had any faith, except a general hope that you knew better than I, that the Yazoo Pass expedition, and the like, could succeed. When you got below, and took Port-Gibson, Grand Gulf, and vicinity, I thought you should go down the river and join Gen. Banks; and when you turned Northward East of the Big Black, I feared it was a mistake.

I now wish to make the personal acknowledgment that you were right, and I was wrong.

Yours very truly
A. Lincoln

What is the one single quality a man would have to have to write such a letter? The word I came up with was "confident." Lincoln is a man who is smart and secure enough to be able to rationally admit a mistake.

But isn't George Bush -- who is pictured above in his 2009 Halloween costume aboard the ship the USS Abraham Lincoln -- a confident man, too?

The answer is "not quite." The word is not quite the right one. Rather, Bush demonstrates what you'd call "bravado," a foolishly unyielding confidence.

George Bush, unlike war hero John Kerry, is certainly no flip-flopper, so he certainly could have never written a letter like the Lincoln letter. But at least he has a liberal dosing of bravado to complement his swagger and his Andrew Johnson-like stubbornness.

Bush likes to compare himself to former presidents, like Harry S Truman and Abraham Lincoln. The comparisons are rubbish. Truman was our last true liberal president, advocating national health care and civil rights.

The comparisons turn into contrasts when you scratch the Bush-Truman surface a little:

• Truman founded the United Nations. Bush lied to the United Nations.
• Truman fought a limited war in Korea that was truly an international effort. Bush's Iraq fiasco was largely a U.S. effort, involving only an additional 24 non-combat Laundry Corps soldiers from Poland, a country that has since withdrawn not only all its troops but also all its fabric softener.
  
• Truman was instrumental in international efforts such as the founding of the World Bank and the International Monetary Fund; Bush shows contempt for such globalism, opposing the Kyoto accords and showing absolutely no interest in international cooperation whatsoever prior to 9/11.
  
• Truman opposed generals for the right reasons; for example, he had the audacity (and the vision and good judgment) of disagreeing with the very popular (and possibly manic) Gen. Douglas MacArthur by refusing to use dozens of atomic weapons against China and Manchuria. Bush opposed generals, too, but the problem is that these generals, unlike MacArthur, turned out not to be insane.
  
• Truman demonstrated confidence and certitude; Bush demonstrates ... bravado and stubbornness.
  

From all of us here at The Cup of Joe, and by all of us I mean "me," here's wishing a Happy President's Day to you and all you hold dear. As you head off for a night of partying and celebrating the holiday with loved ones, remember that the difference between the right word and the wrong word, and the difference between a good president and a dreadful president, is the difference between the lightning bug and the lightning. May your lights shine brightly, my friends.

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How Old is Stephen Colbert? Birthday Boy Won't Get Bear Hug Until We Know 4 Sure

Last week on The Colbert Report, we here at The Cup of Joe thought we heard Stephen Colbert mention that he'd be celebrating a birthday next week.

Because I was late in sending Stephen this Valentine's Day card, I wanted to correct the error and send him another card, a birthday card, featuring my favorite little snuggly bears who wear green pants, brown moccasins and pink (or red) beanie caps, two bears who ride magical ponies with purple and pink harnesses through the Forest With the Flowering Trees.

The exact day and month of Stephen's birthday, nine months following his conception without the stain of original sin, is not clear.

• Was it May 13, 1964? (Source and Source.)
• Or was it April 20, 1964? (Source and Source.)

Readers, I need some help on this. Did I hear correctly and is Stephen turning 43 this week? Are these other websites wrong?

He teaches Sunday school, is deaf in one ear and is the youngest of 11 children.

But when's his birthday?

President Logan: Now More Than Ever

Today is a big day: Millions of Americans will celebrate President's Day with parties, gift-giving, large family feasts and street festivals. It's one reason why President's Day has become in recent years not only a favorite of schoolchildren but also the 110th largest shopping day of the year, according to figures recently released and made up by the website The Cup of Joe.

So tonight, as you gather with friends and family for your annual President's Day observences, you may want to flip on Fox's 24, because ex-President Charles Logan returns with "new facial hair and a new attitude."

There's no specific hint about just what the Nixon-esque Logan will bring to the plot tonight, but I think it has something to do with either energy policy or wage and price controls.

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Not Necessarily A News Channel

The new show The 1/2 Hour News Hour, which is supposed to be the conservative version of Comedy Central's The Daily Show, aired for the first time tonight on the Fox News Channel.

There were Hillary Clinton jokes, and jokes about the ACLU, and jokes making fun Ed Begley Jr.'s devotion to recycling and reducing energy consumption. They weren't able to find a single thing to make fun of about the party (that would be the Republicans) that has pretty much controlled the country for the past 6 years, nor could they find any humor worthy of mention about George Bush in particular, either.

But of course Barack Obama's middle name -- Hussein -- was mentioned, as was a fictional magazine about Obama they dubbed BO magazine.

Get it? Obama's initials are B.O. -- the same initials as body odor!!!

Speaking of b.o., I know something that stinks, and you can catch it on Sunday nights on Fox.

The truth is, if you want to hear a really funny Hillary Clinton joke, you need to watch The Daily Show, where comedy is central, not your political affiliation.

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Switch Hitters Turn Me On

"SWITCH HITTER"

FIRST IN AN OCCASIONAL SERIES

Reader submissions invited.

Top Chef Needs A Turn On

"TOP CHEF"

SECOND IN A SERIES

Let There Be Light

"LET THERE BE LIGHT"

THIRD IN A SERIES.(Click SWITCH HITTERS label to see prior entries)

Reader submissions invited.

How To Watch 'Gay, Straight or Taken'

First of all, turn off your Gaydar. It won't work here.

This, however, will work every time:

Look at the three men. Find the one dressed the "most gay." He's the straight one.

Find the one dressed the most "straight." He's the gay one.

There's not a reality show on TV that doesn't try to edit a show or manipulate the viewer with a "surprise" at the end. This type of thing has made Survivor and The Appentice fairly predictable.

The GST show producers, in particular, need to do this for a reason: They are trying to surprise you -- and the female -- at the end of the show because they think this makes better TV.

And for a show with this premise, they need all the help they can get.

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My Five Favorite 'Words Seldom Spoken in Everyday Conversation'

FOURTH IN A SERIES

Sometime during the next day, try to work these five seldom-spoken words into a casual conversation with, say, your boss, your daughter, your lover or the mailman.

It'll be fun, I promise.

1. Purloin.

To your daughter: "Honey, did you purloin the chocolate chip cookies?"

2. Murmur.

To your lover: "I thought I heard you murmur something about my annoying habits. Could you share with me in more detail, or would you rather email me it later?"


3. Masticate.

To co-worker: "You want to grab some lunch and masticate some food in our mouths together?"

4. Cattywampus

To yourself, out loud, so that strangers can overhear: "My life became cattywampus after my lover murmured something about me purloining the chocolate chip cookies, which I had just finished masticating."

5. Penultimate.

To my readers: "This could be my penultimate post, after I publish my farewell post this weekend announcing that I'm giving up The Cup of Joe for lent."

(Click "FIVE FAVS" below for earlier posts.)

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Gay Guy Wants to Jingle In Your Pocket

So, I hear they're going to put all 40-something ex-presidents on the new dollar coins? This is kind of neat, especially since there's already an alarming lack of white males on U.S. coinage.

But this is historic. Why? This country's only "confirmed bachelor" president, James Buchanan, has not yet been honored, making him the first gay person ever to appear on a U.S. coin.

Now, I'm not going to defend Buchanan just because we played on the same team. He was, frankly, a pussy, demonstrating no moral compass, no discernable leadership abilities (why do anything when you can find excuses for inaction?) and (perhaps worst of all) a really ghastly fashion sense. He is easily among the three worst presidents EVER, along with Harding and the guy with the jiggly legs who is currently keeping the chair warm in the oval office. That would be Bush the Lesser, of course, the worst president in the history of the United States, the world, and, quite possibly, the entire tri-galaxy region.

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Coming Soon to Lost on ABC

It's become more and more apparent just where the producers of Lost are heading.

Last week's episode -- with one of the minor characters spotted casually reading A Brief History of Time, and with the "Mittelos" in "Mittelos Bioscience" being the easy anagram for "Lost Time" -- offered several "easter eggs" on this count.

Last night's episode made things a litter more explicit.

What do I think?

I think it's time for Jean Claude Van Damme to join the cast, because now more than ever, the good people of the Lost island could really use a Time Cop to kickbox some ass.

He is welcome to appear shirtless -- provided he takes a time machine back to his 1995 body.


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Bears in Love

I hope readers notice the beautiful detailing on this Valentine's Day card: The chivalrous papa bear, with his green pants and brown moccasins, leading the reins of the magical pony (with purple and pink harness) on a moonlit forest ride, while mama bear (sporting a beautiful red shawl and pink beanie cap) enjoys the cuddly warmth of the Forest With the Flowering Trees.

Now what kind of totally AMAZING guy would buy such a romantical card for his honey on Valentine's Day?

If you're interested in buying this card, email me: I know a certain dollar store with fistfuls left on the shelves.

I think I'm going to send one to Stephen Colbert.

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Crazy Love: My First Two Crushes

Lt. Dangle Is On The Ball

We here at The Cup of Joe LOVE physical activity, weather it's riding my cool new Christmas bike, lifting weights or practicing Coffee Yoga.

But if you're a little bored with your current exercise routine, like I am nowadays, you get some terrific advice from Reno 911's Lt. Dangle in an interview in the current issue of Out magazine.


Out: You clearly take care of your body. Do you have a specific workout routine?

Dangle: Thanks for noticing. I've tried a lot of workout regimens over the years, but I finally customized one that works for me. I call it Javert Versus Medicine Ball. Basically, it works like this: Every morning I do lunges from my house to the Korean lady's at the end of the block while holding a 16-pound medicine ball and singing Javert's part in Les Miserables, in show order. You should be working up a good sweat by "Javert's Suicide."

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For Wally: "I Cho-Cho Chose You"