Tuesday, January 08, 2008

Spoiler Alert: Predictions for 2008

There's still a little egg on my face from my shocking predictions for 2007 post from Dec. 31, 2006.

For example, I predicted that viewership of Internet porn in 2007 would rise at a rate 2 points higher than inflation. I was wrong. It was 3 points higher.

On most of my other predictions, however, I was alarmingly prescient!

So now, a few days late, I offer again my shocking predictions for 2008. (SPOILER ALERT: Stop reading now if you want to be surprised.)

Here goes:

* The American Love Affair with the hot dog ends. Oscar Mayer reports a sales reduction of 17 percent. Government subsidies follow.

* Mike Huckabee wins the Republican nomination for president and picks Sherri Shepherd from The View as his running mate.

* Viewership of Internet porn rises at a rate 3 1/4 times the rate of inflation.

* Six months after a night of partying at several LA hot spots involving various over-the-counter cold medicines and pain relievers, Lindsay Lohan wins the Nobel Prize for chemistry.

* Karl Rove writes his autobiography and earns kudos as a finalist for the National Book Award. In the fiction category.

* As the writer's strike enters its ninth month, a man claiming to be the second coming of Christ gets his own reality show on Fox. The show is canceled after the man unsuccessfully attempts to turn urine into wine.

* Joe from The Cup of Joe wins a spot as a contestant on Top Chef and in the season premiere wins the Quick Fire challenge with his special dish: Cheerios in a medium serving bowl, served with a 2% milk complement.

* The Biggest Loser: Couples, currently airing on NBC, gets a surprise addition following the California Primary: Bill and Hillary Clinton.

* U.S. Sen. Larry Craig is found wandering the Minneapolis airport wearing only a pair of Ginch Gonch underwear. He is unable to explain why he is wearing the underwear, nor is he able to explain why he can't seem to stop grinning.

* American Idol's Simon Cowell apologizes to the world after calling a contestant a spear-chucker. He later apologizes, claiming that he intended to call the contestant a porch-monkey.

* The ghost of Charles Nelson Riley shows up for a brief (but hilarious) appearance on Ghost Hunters.

* Bear Grylls from Man vs. Wild takes on his biggest challenge: a weekend in Camden, N.J. Ratings soar. At Grylls' funeral, Tom Shales from the Washington Post calls the stunt brilliant.

* The celebrity version of The Apprentice gets canceled before its final airing. NBC officials declare the big winner as the American viewing public.

* Our country's love affair with the Big Cheez-It, American's favorite baked snack cracker, continues, as sales rise 37 percent.

* The Big Cheez-It re-ups as a sponsor of The Cup of Joe!

* Ryan Seacrest finally gets married. Although we here at TCOJ don't have a clear picture yet of who exactly he marries, we do know that the ceremony will take place in Massachusetts.

* Larry Craig is seen in Provincetown on the Fourth of July dancing at the A-House with Lance Bass.

* Ann Coulter joins the cast of Dr. 90210 as a regular patient. First surgery: enhancing her adam's apple.

* The ghost of Kitty Carlyle joins the cast of The View and wins over America's heart!

Please keep hope alive in 2008, and please enjoy the new year by eating lots of Big Cheez-Its.

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

Not one word about frog in this...The International Year of the Frog.

Very disappointing.