Stupid Magazine Lists Really Piss Me Off

Men's Health magazine is at it again, publishing a list of American cities and then using some silly metric to try to measure things that are, when you think about it, truly immeasurable.

For example, in its September issue, they ask the question: "How Angry is Your City"?

The happiest cities, by the way, are Manchester, NH and Bangor, Maine -- both happily and cheerfully part of blue states.

The least happy cities are St. Petersburg and Orlando -- which are, perhaps not coincidentally, in a red state.

We here at The Cup of Joe are starting to consider our own rankings of various entities, and particularly magazines.

... So how's this for a ranking?: Which magazine has the biggest dumbshits as part of their editorial staff? Answer: Men's Health. Score: A+.

I think the editors should take an exercise ball and shove it up their rectums.

... Not that I'm angry or anything.

Comfort for My Enemies

Two of my four grandparents lived to be 95 or older. Three of my four grandparents lived to be older than 85.

This means I'm going to live a long time, right?

Think again. Living a long life is not necessarily an inherited trait, as is hair color or what type of personality you have.

For example, the women pictured are identical twins. They are 92. One has aged gracefully, and the other has a host of problems, including dementia and incontinence. Scientists can conclude from a large study of twins such as these that genetics isn't as important as previously thought.

Read more here.

I just thank the man (or woman) upstairs that I haven't inherited some of my family's more annoying traits, including a kitten-like need for sleep and having a smaller attention span than most puppies.

This doesn't describe me at all.

Shazam: Shows I Have No Desire to Watch

That great philosopher Gomer Pyle once opined: "Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me."

I thought about this when I read in Broadcasting and Cable that drama series in development for next year will be "close-ended."

B&C reports that, "Although the flurry of serial dramas in the mode of Lost and 24 are premiering this season, it's the traditional, closed-ended formats that will likely rule the 2007-2008 season."

Personally, I have no interest in watching these new shows, such as ABC's The Nine or NBC's Kidnapped.

Why would I want to get hooked on another Lost? Isn't Lost -- with its slow, slow development and resolution of the plot -- frustrating enough?

With shows like these, I always suspect we may have another Twin Peaks on our hands -- a show with no satisfying ending.

This is why it'd be a big "shame on me" if I wasted any time on Vanished.

Keep it Gay, Rocket Man

The Truman Shows

If I were a voting member for the Academy Awards, my choice last year for Best Picture would have been Capote. A couple months before I saw the movie, I read In Cold Blood, which is the best book I've read in a long time.

A new movie about Capote, Infamous, opens in October. I wonder if it will be able to creep out from under the Capote shadow?

Here's the trailer.

Reading is Fundamental

U.S. News & World Report published a list of 60 books George Bush has supposedly read in the last year.

Maybe he should start reading his daily presidential briefing, too.

I Wish He Didn't Have Time to Read

I try to read two or three daily newspapers per day, and, after working all day, I really don't have a lot of time to read books or novels, because of the time commitment involved. (Though it doesn't stop me from trying, and I'm in the middle of two books now.) I always think about this when the White House reveals, every now and then, "What George Bush is reading."

Last year, it was reported that Bush was a big fan of I Am Charlotte Simmons, Tom Wolfe's latest book about college campus sexual romps. (Though the White House never officially let it be known that this was on his reading list, Bush was said to be recommending it to all his friends.) The love is mutual, because Mr. White Suit is a Bushie and voted for him twice.

So, what's on the "official" Bush reading list during his August vacation? The New York Times tells us.

Two books on Lincoln and one on polio. Oh, and a Camus novel. It was “The Stranger” that caught everyone’s attention when the White House told of the books that President Bush was taking to Texas on his ranch vacation. Last year, he toted books about a czar, a plague and salt — no French philosophers.

This business of the most powerful man in the world announcing his current reading list, presumably to demonstrate a restless intellect (although there’s no pop quiz to see whether he’s done the reading), is comparatively new. When Coolidge and Eisenhower kicked back on fishing and golf holidays, they didn’t pack many books. ...

I don't know about you, but if I were president today, and with so much at stake in the world, I don't think I'd be reading about Lincoln. I think I'd prefer to read about ... current events, the Muslim religion and Mideast history (with a particular focus on Iran). It's a little absurd to read Camus at night when things in your day job aren't going so well.

I'd prefer that he read his presidential daily briefings very, very closely.

10 Days That Changed History

AUG. 20, 1998: Just Missed

With most Americans absorbed by the Monica Lewinsky affair, relatively few paid much attention when the United States fired some 60 cruise missiles at Qaeda training camps in Afghanistan. Most public debate centered on whether President Clinton had ordered the strike to deflect attention from his domestic troubles.

Although the details of that day remain in dispute, some accounts suggest that the attack may have missed killing Osama bin Laden by as little as an hour. How that would have changed America — and the world — may be revealed, in time, by the history that is still unfolding.

This is one of 10 days in American history highlighted in this New York Times story. Can you guess what other days might be included?

With JonBenet Ramsey all over the news, and with the five-year anniversary of 9/11 coming up in a few short weeks, it amazes me how much the electronic media focus on things that, in the big picture, are not very important. Unless it's something on Project Runway, I have absolutely no interest in blue dresses.

Party Girls

During the Provincetown Carnival parade one week ago tomorrow, we met some very friendly drag queens (and people who were just dressing up). They'd kindly stop and pose for photos, and they made the parade a lot of fun.

With one exception. Georgette (pictured below at left) was a TOTAL buzz kill.

Survivor Announces All-Gay Cast

Just kidding. But can you guess who is, and who isn't?

And in a "shocking development" sure to "change the way the game is played forever," they are dividing the cast based on race. Seriously.

Let's hope the tribes are able to maintain very secure borders, right Pat Buchanan?

Nice Pants

Were Ed Grimley and John Mark Karr separated at birth?

Whatever the answer, I think this Karr guy is completely mental, I must say.

Bravo Show Not on the Emmy Menu

Although Top Chef is not one of the 10 reality shows nominated for an Emmy this Sunday night, we think it's one of the most delicious treats on television.

And for those who may be wondering whatever happened to Tiffani, the show's runner-up, you can find out by reading this Boston Globe article. She's cooking on Nantucket this summer, and she still sounds a little bitter, don't you think, not dissimilar to a large bowl of celery and kale soup with a grapefruit side salad. (Wine pairing: Sauvignon Blanc.)

For the full dish on other reality shows Bravo has in the works, including an update on Top Chef and new shows featuring real estate agents, interior designers and hair stylists, click here.

Adam is Not Hung Up on Ann

The mainstream media pay a lot of attention to Ann Coulter, the woman who just publicly claimed Bill Clinton was a homosexual because of his promiscuity. (Huh?)

Watch the below clip. This about all the attention she deserves.

Click.

This Could Save You Money

I wrote about Farecast.com in a previous post. It's a way to help you time when to book a flight to make sure you get the best deal possible. But when the site launched, it only served two cities.

Good news: The site is happy to announce that airfare predictions for flights out of St Louis (STL) are now available.

Check it out.

Happy travels to all.

This Rose Still Smells Sweet

Betty White is in her 80s, and she's still funny. At the recent Comedy Central roast of William Shatner, she did a routine with perfect timing and delivery and (unlike others) without the benefit of notes. (And it didn't appear there were teleprompters either.) Other roasters half her age needed crib sheets.

It's a shame the whole appearance isn't available on You Tube, but a portion of it can be viewed below, or you can tape a repeat of the whole roast tonight at 11 p.m central time on Comedy Central.

Although White is best known for playing Sue Ann Nivens on The Mary Tyler Moore Show during the 1970s, and Rose on The Golden Girls starting in the 1980s, her career began in the 1950s when she did various programs, including "Life With Elizabeth" and "The Betty White Show," at the same time Lucille Ball was winning well-deserved Emmys for I Love Lucy.

Betty White, however, has been funny for six decades now. Compare this with Lucille Ball, who, after I Love Lucy, basically spent two decades not being all that funny, culminating with perhaps the most miserably unfunny show in television history, "Life With Lucy," which lasted only a couple months. In the fall of 1986, 13 episodes were filmed, and eight were aired before the network mercifully pulled the plug. Ball was in her middle 70s at the time.

If you dare, you can watch some Life With Lucy clips, including the opening, at this link.

But please don't do it on a full stomach: This show has been known to result in nausea, vomiting and gasey emissions. It's less clear whether it's ever been known to result in a single snort, chortle, laugh, guffaw or cackle.

The great Lucille Ball airing eight shows without a single cackle? That's nothing to joke about.

What Do We Do If We Lose the Frogs?

Kermit doesn't feel like singing much these days. Find out why by reading this thoughtful, troubling essay.

Sooner or later, don't you know, we are going to have to face the music.

Please tell your friends. And learn more here and here. And if you live in Missouri, you may want to read this.

Full of Wind

In my previous post, I mentioned the cool winds coming off the shore at Cape Cod. Below is some video of Herring Cove Beach and the sand dunes and the grasses that grow naturally there. Look real hard and you just might see some wild cranberry off in the distance. This is what much of the eastern seaboard of our country would look like, had it not been overrun by development.

And forget what you learned in your awful grade school history book. The pilgrims didn't land at Plymouth first. They landed here, on the tip of Cape Cod.

Shame they didn't stay. Those breezes are pretty nice.

Thank God for conservationists.

BBBack to the Blogging

I'm happy to report that we are back in town, safe and sound after the incident at the airport involving a CONFISCATED bottle of eyedrops. I can't help but think that if losing two ounces of rewetting solution can be my contribution to national security and fighting the tear-wrists, then it made my uncomfortably dry eyes well worth the sacrifice.

Although we miss the cool sea breezes off the sunny tip of Cape Cod, it has been more than made up for by the no-less-delightful winds wafting from the banks of the nearby River Des Peres, a little slice of "run-off stormwater and sewer backup" heaven right here in town.

Thanks so much to my friend Bobby M. for looking after the house. "While I was out" he fed my special little angel, took in the mail, and performed light housekeeping duties and other chores. This included organizing my winter sweaters in the basement by color and material, running several utility programs on my PC to ensure optimum and consistent performance, tuckpointing the chimney, refinishing the hardwood floors, and starting on a room addition out back. Thanks Bobby! But next time, could you also clean the gutters, and would it kill you if you did just a little de-weeding? Thanking you, in advance.

And thanks so much to Elgie for picking us up at the airport.

Pictured above is Race Point Beach in Provincetown. It's quite beautiful, no?

Tonight, as the sun is setting here in my hometown, I'm going to remember Race Point Beach as I take a walk down near the banks of the River Des Peres. I hope my allergies start acting up, because a clogged nose will help block out the odors.

We Miss Lance

Greetings from the tip of Cape Cod! Celebrities we haven't seen this week: Lance Bass, Jake Gyllenhall or Matthew McCounaughy.

We have, however, seen Congressman Barney Frank!

Also, I'm pleased to say that we worked out with Lee Marvin yesterday at the local gym. Although Wikipedia seems to think Lee died in 1987, I'm happy to report that Lee Marvin is alive and well and can bench 175.

Sorry Folks, Blog's Closed This Week

... for rest and repairs. The moose outside shoulda told ya.

See y'all in a week.

I'll be spending a little time in heaven (pictured below) with Wally and some other good friends I don't see often enough.

Happy B-day, in advance, to Peaches, Frenchy and K.B. in the Mother Country! K.B.: You look really, really, really, really good (considering your age). Frenchy, good luck with your new job; I'd kill to be doing what you are doing! And Peaches, let's get your machine back up and running back at full turbo power soon, OK?

If one of my housemates has a computer, I may do an entry or two next week sometime, if I'm not too busy doing absolutely nothing.

You Mean They'll Confiscate My Ipod?

Check out the new travel restrictions on American Airlines, following the UK plots. They're getting real strict about what exactly you can be carrying on your person while traveling in the airport.

Anything NOT on the list at this link is not allowed.

Does this mean I can't carry a cell phone? It's not on the list. Or my Ipod?

Here's wishing you all happy and safe travels ...

I Love, Love, Love Live TV!

Cat Scratch Fever

Sherman was right: War is hell.

And the proof is in the pudding over at kittenwar.com

May the best kitten win, and to the victor will go the chicken- and salmon-tasting-like food product.

Peace out.

What Do You Think About This, Cha-Cha?

Dennis Miller is joining ... Fox News Channel.

Anybody remember when he used to be funny? Didn't think so.

Here's wishing him well in his new role on Hannity & Colmes, and writing columns for the Fox website.

He'll have a nice forum in which to go on rants defending George Bush and justifying the Iraq war. Funny stuff!

Check out wikipedia on Miller, particularly the "fake rant" that Family Guy aired a while back.

The Best Thing I've Seen On TV This Week

... Can be watched here at this link.

It's a locally produced show about an entertainment strip that, in the 1950s and 1960s, attracted talent such as Barbra Streisand, Woody Allen and many others long before much of the rest of the country had recognized their talents.

Enjoy. This is worth 20 minutes of your time.

Trivia, With a Point

Question: What do George McGovern and Russell Johnson, The Professor from Gilligan's Island, have in common?

Answer: Both were war heroes who served during World War II on B-24 bomber planes, Johnson flying 44 missions through enemy territory and McGovern flying on 35. McGovern won the Distinguished Flying Cross, and Johnson was awarded the Purple Cross after his plane was shot down over the Phillipines.

Many people don't know this about McGovern. Or about Johnson.

For McGovern, the image that sticks with him, overshadowing his bravery, was his opposition to the Vietnam War, for which he was demonized in some camps as a chicken who would "cut and run."

John Murtha, Max Cleland and John Kerry know a little something about fighting in war, too. Although their service isn't forgotten, it has been distorted. As Republican attacks upon John Murtha -- a congressman, combat veteran and retired Marine -- start getting uglier, I hope that his service is neither forgotten nor distorted.

This is no way to treat a war hero.

Let's Hope Their Swift Boat Sinks

They're baaaaaack: A discredited group of discreditors have another war hero in their sites.

Sigh.

This Website is Better Than a Truth Machine Made Out of Coconut Shells

Gilligan's Island is one of the most critically reviled shows in television history, but also a show that will be watched 50 years from now.

Here are some Fun Facts about the show straight from the mouth of The Professor:

When Russell Johnson auditioned for his role on the show, a high-ranking gay executive at the show wanted him to audition shirtless and his underwear, just as other actors had to for this VP.

During a particular episode of the show, the professor paid homage to Walter Huston's academy award winning role in The Treasure of the Sierra Madre, one of my all-time favorite movies, by doing the same "little dance" the old prospector does in the movie. (If you've seen the movie, there's no way you could have forgotten this dance.)

The cast member who got the most fan mail? Mary Ann, of course. Why "Daisy Dukes" are called "Daisy Dukes" instead of "Mary Anns," I'll never know.

How did I learn all this information?

It's all part of two hours of uncensored and uncut interviews with Russell Johnson on a great website for television fans called The Archive of American Television. You can also find interviews with other favorites, including the terrific Alan Alda, Bob Barker, Bob Newhart and other names sure to pique the interest of any television fan.

I've only watched part three of this interview, which is 30 minutes long. You can, too, at this link.

Bookmark the site: It's a good one. Yeah, I'm talkin' to you, Elgie.

Skip This Workout

Would you like a boss that came up to you when you're working with a client or business associate and then proceeds to let you know, right in front of this client, and in a very condescending way, how you are doing your job totally wrong?

How about a boss that announces to the whole office that she's interviewing for a new employee, and that maybe your job is not safe, leaving you and your co-workers on edge for a week?

Who in the world would want to work for a person like this?

Answer: These employees are NOT the salesmen of Glengarry Glenn Ross, but they are the personal trainers who are part of the new Bravo series Workout. The "star" of Workout (the owner of the gym) did all these things in the first episode.

Just terrible. And no way to run a business.

Those of us who love reality TV are smart enough to realize that much of it is just phoney-baloney manufactured by a producer or writer behind the scenes.

I think this show is possibly the phoniest of the whole reality TV lot.

On the plus side: The owner, pictured above at right, is approaching 40 years of age. So congrats to her for being a hottie.

Now get some manners, Jackie.

And stop listening to those whispers from a producer who is trying to manufacture conflict. She or he is only making you look bad.

But It Makes a Great Wrapping Paper

Which big-city daily newspapers do the best job covering their regions, and which do the worst?

The results of the Civic Stategies Urban Journalism contest are in, and guess which paper is dead last?

Hint: It was one of only three daily papers that John F. Kennedy reportedly read when he was president.

Think JFK would still be reading if he were alive today?

I for one think that he absolutely would. I think he'd enjoy finding the typos, fact errors and gaping omissions.

I Miss You, Todd Terry

Early this morning, I did some shopping at my local grocery store, which dubs itself "the friendliest stores in town."

While picking up my blueberry yogurt, peanut butter and my Little Buddy sugar cookies, the music on the muzak was "Missing" by Everything But The Girl.

Thought for the day: If this store wants to become the "gay friendliest store in town," they would have played the Todd Terry Club Mix.

I missed hearing this remix like the deserts miss the rain.

You Mean It Was Still on the Air?

Show on Bravo canceled; thousands don't notice. Or maybe it wasn't canceled?

If you do pass on this conflicting information to friends, here's some quick tips for success: Look him or her straight in the eye when you deliver the bad news, make sure you have in plenty of hair product that has been CORRECTLY applied from the back to the front, and then prepare him or her a dinner of seared squab with a shitaki demiglaze. And, if possible, break the news on an IKEA couch.

Good luck.

Mostly Cloudy

I'm sorry to announce that The Cup of Joe has lost its first and only corporate sponsor: the 32 metro-area locations of Melanoma Tan.

The locally-based Melanoma Tan apparently has been bought out by the San Fernando-based Wrinkle Tan, and we here at The Cup of Joe simply aren't part of this new corporate conglomerate's marketing mix.

An overly tan spokeswoman for Wrinkle Tan told me that the new combined operations of the company will be consolidated under the name Cancer Tan to "more accurately reflect the large varieties of cancers, including basal-cell carcinoma and squamous-cell carcinoma, that our customers enjoy."

In addition, the overly tan spokeswoman also told me that all metro-area Cancer Tan locations will offer their very popular "kids tan free" benefit for all gold-level members, and that any member who is diagnosed with cancer during the month of August will receive 25 percent off all tanning accessories and accelerants.

More Great News For The Cup of Joe

We here at The Cup of Joe are pleased to announce this morning that we've been publishing continuously for almost three months now without a single lost-time work accident!

I guess our decision, on day 3 of this blog, to lay off this site's Safety Managers (due to insufficient funds, insufficient visitors, and a general lack of interest) was a good call.

We're especially fortunate considering I'm blogging on my old Radio Shack TRS-80, which I bought in 1984 and still do BASIC programming on. Apparently it's a serious fire risk, so I'm happy to say that we've dodged "the big one" so far, and that those minor sparks and electrical shocks are merely a nuisance, and not a deal-killer.

Cats That Look Like Hitler

Regular readers of The Cup of Joe know that I love cats, and I absolutely hate Hitler! With this perfectly clear, let me just say that the Internet is a wonderful thing.

I Don't Want to Work, Either

Yesterday, on the float trip, I said to Wally: "I don't want to work anymore in my construction job as a sticky tile applier. I want to live a life of leisure, sipping girl drinks with little umbrellas in them all day from a giant coconut while I keep up with all my favorite reality TV shows!" (Or something like that.)

It turns out, as reported that very same day in the New York Times, that I'm not the first to think about this.

Check out this story about "men who don't work and the women who love them." (Or something like that.)

Enjoy!

You Can Beat This

I lose a little bit of self-esteem every time I watch Big Brother 7 All Stars because I hate myself for watching.

And I ensure you that I am not pleasing myself when I share the below video featuring one of the contestants pleasuring himself.

All of America is now groaning. Just like Howie.

Not to worry, there's nothing graphic about this video.

In addition to what is embedded below, here's another video at this link where another contestant, Mike Boogie, takes matters into his own hands.

If you watch the show, spend the 8 minutes to watch one or both of the videos. If not, then don't waste your time. It's pretty limp.

... I really need to read more books.