The Next President of the United States

One year from this Sunday, Americans will elect the next president of the United States. I think the winner will be clear by the next morning, Nov. 9, 2008. In other words, this will be no election decided by five Republicans on the Supreme Court, who handed the job to W in 2000.

Predicted matchup: Hillary Clinton vs. Mike Huckabee

Predicted winner: ... Ladies and gentleman, I present to you the next president of the United States: MIKE HUCKABEE.

Why? It's simple.

The more likeable candidate usually wins. Have you seen Huckabee on talk shows? He's likeable, affable, seems like "one of us." Plus he used to be fat and now he's not, and that makes fat people like him. And with more fat people than ever before in America, that's a (ahem) sizeable bloc.

If nominated by Republicans, Huckabee will come off as a "compassionate conservative," just as W did, and voters lap this stuff up, whether or not the promises come true or not. Just like Bush.

We here at The Cup of Joe voted for both Kerry and Gore in 2004 and 2000, but voters found W more likeable, more like the type of guy you could have a beer and a brat with. The same held true with Clinton over Dole (and Perot) in 1996, and Clinton over Bush I (and Perot) in 92. And even "Yale man" Bush I was perceived of as more likeable than Michael Dukakis in '88.

Competence doesn't matter, my friends. Likeability does.

And if you believe the polls, a good chunk of the population already has decided, however irrationally, that it doesn't like Hillary Clinton, or anybody with that last name.

If Mike Huckabee wins one year from today, I shutter to think what the Supreme Court will look like in 2012, after a Baptist Preacher who doesn't believe in Evolution has as many as three picks for the court.

This wolf of a candidate called Mike comes off as a sheep on The Daily Show With John Stewart -- so charming and seemingly moderate -- but what will happen if our next three justices are devotees to Intelligent Design?

Shudder now, my friends.

Boo!

And Happy Halloween.

It's A Fact

From the popular website Chucknorrisfacts.com:

• Guns don't kill people. Chuck Norris kills People.


• There is no theory of evolution. Just a list of animals Chuck Norris allows to live.


• There is no chin under Chuck Norris' Beard. There is only another fist.


• Chuck Norris has two speeds. Walk, and Kill.


• The leading causes of death in the United States are: 1. Heart Disease 2. Chuck Norris 3. Cancer

Here's a fact you might not know: On a conservative website Norris recently endorsed his choice for President, Mike Huckabee. Huckabee, like Bill Clinton, is a man from Hope, as in Hope, Arkansas.

All jokes aside, and though I don't agree with him, Norris does a good job explaining why he's supporting Huckabee. Read more here:

One fact that Norris doesn't mention, nor would I expect him to (but allow me), is that Huckabee is a Homophobe. An intelligent-design-believing, evolution-denying and anti-gay-marriage homophobe, if you believe his record instead of his charming appearances on talk shows.

One more fact: Gays don't kill marriage. Heterosexual divorce kills marriage. It's a fact that Mike Huckabee and his ilk don't seem ready to acknowledge.

Happy Halloween

How to Have a Happy Halloween

Halloween is tomorrow, but you can celebrate today by ordering a copy of The Paul Lynde Halloween Special on DVD. The show was originally broadcast on ABC 31 years ago yesterday (Oct. 29, 1976) and featured the band Kiss, "Pinky Tuscadero" from Happy Days, Florence Henderson, the wicked witch (Margaret Hamilton) from The Wizard of Oz and cameo appearances by Betty White and Donny and Marie Osmond. (Hamilton was also well known at the time as Cora from the Maxwell House coffee commercials.)

According to the New York Times: "Previously circulated on low-quality bootleg VHS tapes among a small but devoted legion of Lynde lovers, this Halloween celebration again looks the way it did on a 19-inch Zenith 31 years ago, courtesy of a rediscovered tape, a tiny distribution outfit called S'more Entertainment Inc. and its kitsch-loving president ..."

Here's a preview featuring Kiss and Hamilton:



Who wants to pay for rush delivery?

Hola

Wally and I are back to our beautiful city after a terrific week of vacation.

And The Cup of Joe returns tomorrow as well.

See you then.

A Note From Joey

For the third time this year, I'll be leaving behind movies, TV, politics and kittens for an entire week.

Sorry, folks, blog is closed for rest and repairs: The moose outside shoulda told you.

Please reply to my poll question in the below entry. I look forward to reading your wisdom upon my return.

I'll be back in about a week, after a week of cloister in a Tibetan monastery where I seek spiritual enlightenment and the consumption of lots of alcohol.

Cheers,

Joey

Blogger Poll

Blogger Poll is a new feature that I added to TCOJ last week; it's in the sidebar. It's been a little unreliable, though. For example, on the first day of voting there were already three votes for Howie Mandel. Then, the next time I checked, Howie had zero votes.

I don't know what the problem is, but this strikes me as intensely unfair to the legions of Americans who'd like to see Howie Mandel as our next president.

Looks like the Blogger Poll works about as well as the Florida Secretary of State's office when it comes to counting votes.

Here's this week's poll question, but I won't be using the polling feature. Rather, please reply with your answer in the comments. All you need to do is give the letter of your answer, but feel free to expand your thoughts:

PLEASE RATE THE PERFORMANCE OF PRESIDENT GEORGE W. BUSH.

A. He's the worst president in the history of the United States.

B. He's the 43rd best president in the history of the United States.

C. He's an accomplished president. He leads with wisdom and courage. He is a uniter, not a divider. He has improved the life of the majority of Americans (and citizens of the world) because of his magnanimity, his resolve, and his unlimited belief in the resiliency of the human spirit. Also: I haven't read a newspaper since 1985.

D. I thought Dick Cheney was president.

Saturday Night Live is REALLY Good This Year

I was 8 years old when Saturday Night Live first aired, and I've watched (more or less regularly) since the beginning. Since 1975, there have been some great years, some so-so years and some Charles-Rocket terrible years.

Based on the first episodes of 2007-2008 season, this year could shape up to be one of the great ones.

Really.

Speaking of really:

Quote of The Day

From Salon.com:

On The Tonight Show Wednesday night, Jay Leno asked Barack Obama if he found it "discouraging" that Hillary Clinton "appears to be a shoo-in." Obama's response: "Hillary is not the first politician in Washington to declare 'mission accomplished' a little too soon."

"I Do, I Do" is "I Can't, I Can't" For Some

Some friends got engaged last weekend. Wonderful news. Wally and I are delighted, and eagarly await the welcome sound of wedding bells.

It must be neat being able to get married.

Not everybody can do this, don't you know, thanks to people such as U.S. Sen. Larry Craig and the voters of my state, who passed a Constitutional amendment banning gay marriage because they were a-feared.

These voters agreed that gay marriage represents a threat to hetersoexual marriage. I guess they were worried that monogamous and committed gays who marry might somehow increase the heteresexual divorce rate, which approaches 50 percent.

Or that gay marriage might somehow coax married men into having anonymous gay bathroom sex in airport restrooms.

Staph is No Laugh. Still.

Staph infections are a hot topic in the news today, and it's reported today in a major medical journal that antibiotic-resistant strains kill more people each year than AIDS. The rates of infection are "astounding," researchers report in the Journal of the American Medical Association.

Didn't Rosie tell us this years ago with her "Staph is No Laugh" cover?

It may have been one of the worst magazine covers in the history of journalism, but it was prescient.

I wonder if Rosie is credited as a co-author.

Lauer Could Have Been More Probing

One last comment on the Matt Lauer interview last night with U.S. Sen. Larry Craig: Lauer was more "cordial" than he was "skeptical," and he was more "polite" than he was "probing."

For a reporter trying to ferret out the truth, I think a healthy dose of skepticism is called for. It doesn't mean you're rude during the interview, just "tough." It means setting the right tone so that a police officer's first-hand account can't be shrugged off with a wife's (and a Senator's) smirks.

This interview just didn't have the right tone. Maybe all this was negotiated beforehand so that Lauer could land the "exclusive"?

Any interview the focus of which is airport bathroom sex should have been more ... penetrating.

Slow Pitch Ball

Here's a quick pictorial recap/review/overview of the general tone of the Matt Lauer interview with U.S. Sen. Larry Craig, which just aired tonight on NBC.



Where's Ted Koppell when you need him?

***

For the record, Lauer didn't ask a single one of my suggested questions, which I posted last weekend. So now, we may never know what the good Senator thinks of pleated pants, or what his favorite Cher CD is.

Check, Please!

Tonight on PBS, while most of America is "Dancing With the Stars" on ABC, or seeing who the "Biggest Loser" is on NBC, Frontline is examining Dick Cheney's "secretive and often bitter battle to expand the power of the presidency."

More here.

... Might be worth dancing over to PBS and taking a look. You might just discover that in the Cheney era, the "biggest winner" is imperialism, and the "biggest loser" is our system of checks and balances.

Check, please!

"The Biggest Loser" is On TV Tonight.

I'm not talking about the weight-loss show at 8 p.m. Rather, I'm talking about ...

Matt Lauer Reports. Tonight. 7 p.m. Featuring U.S. Sen. Larry Craig, the biggest loser in terms of recent embarassing publicity about airport bathroom sex.

I wonder if Lauer will ask Craig any of my questions? I'm dying to know what his favorite Cher CD is.

Happy Bloody and Belated Birthday

My friend Frenchy celebrated a birthday in August, but I missed the party. Today I finally got around to ordering his birthday present: season 1 of Dexter from Showtime. I figured he'd enjoy a show about a serial killer with a medical degree who only kills other murderers.

Wouldn't you?

I Believe. I Believe That It Smells Bad

What's that awful and irritating smell, I think to myself while leafing through the latest issue of Entertainment Weekly.

The answer comes around page 15. It is an advertising sheet for "Britney Spears Believe," the singer's new fragrance available at Macy's. "The greatest freedom is to believe in yourself," the ad sheet tells readers.

Yeah, and my greatest freedom is to put a clothes-pin on my nose while I finish reading the magazine.

"Lift here to experience Believe," a fold-over tab in the ad sheet explains, which is itself a semi-lie since the odor of the product already is more than clearly evident, and I half expect to see a puddle of bad perfume pooling somewhere near the magazine.

I close the magazine and let out a tri-sneeze.

Some Questions for Matt Lauer

U.S. Sen. Larry Craig, the Republican with an anti-gay voting record who was arrested this summer in an airport men's room stall in Minnesota, will be interviewed by Matt Lauer Tuesday night on Matt Lauer Reports. So will his wife, Suzanne.

Here are some questions I hope Lauer is able to ask the good Senator:

1) What's your favorite Cher CD?

2) What do you think of pleated pants?

3) Matthew McConaughy or Matt Damon?

4) Powdered wigs and makeup -- should the U.S. Senate return to the traditions of our Founding Fathers?

5) Of all the Founding Fathers, whom would you best describe as your favorite "Founding Daddy"?

6) Should there be a constitutional amendment banning being fabulous?

7) Have you ever been to a Turkish prison?

8) Right now, would you rather be masturbating?

9) On Saturday you were inducted into the Idaho Hall of Fame, marking your first ceremonial appearance in your home state since your bathroom bust became public this summer. Do you think you'll ever be inducted into the Minnesota Hall of Fame?

10) Hugh or me?

("Hugh vs. Matt" Photo via People.com. Visit Link to see who won)

Bill O'Reilly Says the Darndest Things

Bill O'Reilly was hawking his new book on The Tonight Show With Jay Leno last night. I caught the last part of the interview. The book is called Kids Are Americans Too. You know, it's a response to that formidable mass of Americans who believe that kids who live in the United States aren't Americans. Think about the stupidity of this title for a minute and your head might explode.

This book is O'Reilly's second attempt to make money by marketing a book for kids. The last one was called The O'Reilly Factor For Kids.

I think I'd prefer my child to read Everyone Poops instead, because it will help them prepare for a life of dealing with people like Bill O'Reilly.

So with Bill now pandering to kids, and I'm sure he'll make a nice penny, perhaps it's a good time to revisit what Bill O'Reilly said about a kidnapped child earlier this year, about how this child probably enjoyed his four years of captivity, arguably using the type of logic endorsed by pedophiles.

This is just gut-wrenchingly ignorant:

Will Al Gore Be The First Academy Award Winner Elected President?

"He will not run. Negative odds. He's got all he needs. He's a Nobel Prize winner, which means he's being rewarded for following his passion successfully in a way that's changed the world. His passion was never politics for the fight, it was for the cause."

-- Karen Skelton, Al Gore's political director while he was VP (Via Salon.com)

If this is true, and I believe it is, isn't that nice to hear that a "cause" is more important than personal ambition?

But Will the Committee Warm Up To Him?

The winner of the Nobel Peace Prize will be announced tomorrow.

Will it be Al Gore? Should it be Al Gore?

Discuss.

Where is The Cup of Joe?

I've been getting email notes lately from a variety of folks asking the question: "What happened to The Cup of Joe? Why aren't you posting much nowadays?" The latest one had the subject line: "What gives with TCOJ."

The readers go on to mention in these emails how much they've enjoyed my past coverage of movies, TV, politics and (most of all) kittens, all blended into one semi-coherent blog with just a "kiss o' gay" whenever the latest closet-case Republican pays for gay sex or starts flailing his hands in an airport restroom.

Let me just assure you that I'm still here, and I am well, and that Wally is still here, and he is well.

Nor is it the case that I no longer have anything I'm interested in writing about, or that I have writer's block. Not true.

For example, during the last few weeks I've had lots of posts I've wanted to write. About the 50th anniversary of Leave It to Beaver (it was last weekend, by the way). Or about the new Chef Gordon Ramsay show Kitchen Nightmares, which seems to be doing phony stunts/editing (as most reality shows do) in a way that seems as dishonest as what producers did during The $64,000 Question quiz show scandal during the 50s. Or about Larry Craig and Mike Jones, the man the Rev. Ted Haggard hired to have sex, who now claims (as of last week) that Craig was a client as well, and not just in an airport restroom.

There have been dozens of other things to write about, ranging from the new fall TV shows (I actually like the throwback "this is the way they used to make them" old-style comedy Back to You); the baseball playoffs (sorry Cubs!); the awful Emmy broadcast that had some delightful Lost wins; and, last but not least, the ridiculous batch of presidential candidates, most of whom seem phonier than some of the stuff you see on Kitchen Nightmares. (Frankly, I don't think there's a political equivalent of Gordon Ramsay who could come in and, say, rescue the Bill Richardson presidential campaign.

But as you can see, I've posted nothing. There are several reasons for this:

1) The weather is nice. When the weather is nice, I'd rather be outside than inside blogging.

2) I've been busy with a lot of other things, including doing my best to pamper to every whim and pleasure of Wally. Wally has to come before blogging; he just has to. And if you know me and Wally, you know how much I constantly have to pamper him, catering to every whim, most of which are fleeting. You know this, right, how high maintenance he is?

3) I've been cleaning my basement, perhaps even unearthing a few new finds for Things I Find In My Basement.

4) I've also had no time to blog because I've been busy fabricating complete LIES, including all of No. 2 above.

So: When the weather turns colder, I promise a triumphant return of The Cup of Joe, including monthly recaps, commentary about politics and kittens, and lots of stuff about the gays.

So I'll be back soon. That is, when I'm not catering to Wally's every whim.