Wednesday, July 11, 2007

Things I Find In My Basement

PART OF A CONTINUING SERIES.

Recently re-discovered, in my basement: a printout of quite possibly the worst poem ever written. It's called "Ode On The Mammoth Cheese," a poem by James McIntyre penned in honor of ... a 7000-pound piece of cheese. Apparently, this cheese was produced in 1866 and sent to exhibitions in Toronto, New York, and Britain

Here it is, for your enjoyment:

By James McIntyre
We have seen thee, queen of cheese,
Lying quietly at your ease,
Gently fanned by evening breeze,
Thy fair form no flies dare seize.

All gaily dressed soon you'll go
To the great Provincial Show,
To be admired by many a beau
In the city of Toronto.

Cows numerous as a swarm of bees,
Or as the leaves upon the trees,
It did require to make thee please,
And stand unrivalled, queen of cheese.

May you not receive a scar as
We have heard that Mr. Harris
Intends to send you off as far as
The great World's show at Paris.

Of the youth beware of these,
For some of them might rudely squeeze
And bite your cheek, then songs or glees
We could not sing, oh! queen of cheese.

We'rt thou suspended from balloon,
You'd cast a shade, even at noon;
Folks would think it was the moon
About to fall and crush them soon.
I also found a second poem, hand-written by my friend Elgie, circa 1987, in which the phrase "pebbles of my mind" is employed, which I may post later today or this week. Anybody want to read it?

4 comments:

JR said...

No.

Bobby M. said...

Please, Please, Please post that. Might I also suggest a continuing series that could easily be filled anything found in Leonard Nemoy's "Warmed By Love."

Anonymous said...

I would love to read that. In fact, Eads Bridge called looking for it.

Elgie said...

No, I do not want to read, post, ever see again, my old poetry.
Besides, this site couldn't handle the traffic.
Sigh.