Monday, March 12, 2007

An Enigma Wrapped in a Riddle

During the summer of 2005, straight guy Bruce Heffernan pondered a puzzlesome question in a widely circulated and cited "think-piece" that first appeared in the pages of The Onion: "Why Do All These Homosexuals Keep Sucking My Cock?"

Look, I'm not a hateful person or anything—I believe we should all live and let live. But lately, I've been having a real problem with these homosexuals. You see, just about wherever I go these days, one of them approaches me and starts sucking my cock.

Take last Sunday, for instance, when I casually struck up a conversation with this guy in the health-club locker room. Nothing fruity, just a couple of fellas talking about their workout routines while enjoying a nice hot shower. The guy looked like a real man's man, too—big biceps, meaty thighs, thick neck. He didn't seem the least bit gay. At least not until he started sucking my cock, that is.

Where does this queer get the nerve to suck my cock? Did I look gay to him? Was I wearing a pink feather boa without realizing it? I don't recall the phrase, "Suck my cock" entering the conversation, and I don't have a sign around my neck that reads, "Please, You Homosexuals, Suck My Cock."

I've got nothing against homosexuals. Let them be free to do their gay thing in peace, I say. But when they start sucking my cock, I've got a real problem.

Matt Sanchez, the U.S. marine and FOB (Friend of Bill O'Reilly) who has a gay porn past, is apparently now saying that he's not gay, that he doesn't like gay sex and that the same holds true for ... all the men he's slept with.



No comments: