The Cup of Joe Awards for 2006

A couple weeks ago, I did my first plug encouraging readers to watch for The Cup of Joe Awards for 2006, also known simply as The Joeys.

Because of this, you may think that I have given these a lot of thought. I assure you that I haven't.

In fact, I've given as much thought to these awards as did the "under the influence of lesser actors" Oscar voters who didn't even bother to nominate Paul Giamatti for Best Actor for Sideways a few years ago.

So, my friends, with The Golden Globes and The Joeys being awarded on the same day, I'd encourage you to grab a nice glass of pinot grigio and read on:

The Give Me My Oscar NOW Award: Annette Benning, Running With Scissors.

The Six-DVD Set to Look For in 2007 Award: The Ford Funeral Special Edition, with directors commentary by Donald Rumsfeld and Betty Ford, available in both Blueray and HD-DVD.

Paper Towel of the Year Award: Quilted Bounty, the quicker picker-upper, once again proved that it is THE finest paper towel available to the U.S. consumer, easily surpassing the vastly overrated Brawny and the decidely unquilted Viva.

The If I Could Only Tivo 10 Shows Award: The Office (NBC), The Late Show With David Letterman (CBS), Dexter (Showtime), Lost (ABC), Project Runway (Bravo), The Colbert Report (Comedy Central), Top Chef (Bravo), 24 (Fox), Sopranos (HBO), Extras (HBO).

The Eye Makeup Award (awarded to the journalist or celebrity who employs the most alarming use of eyeliner or eye makeup in any 365-day period): Katie Couric (female), Taylor Hicks (male).

The Run for the Theater Exits NOW Award: Running With Scissors.

The Best Three Books Plugged on The Colbert Report Award: Misquoting Christ, Blink and Freakanomics.

The 'We'll Miss You Most of All, Scarecrow' Award: To the Naked Guy, the activist who walked around Berkeley naked during the early 1990s, who sadly died in prison on May 18.

Quote of the Year Award: "I believe the record speaks for itself - Don Rumsfeld is the finest secretary of defense this nation has ever had." -- Dick Cheney.

The Little Miss Sunshine Award: George Bush and the adorable Abigail Breslin. Runner-up: Condi Rice.

The Inconvenient Truth Award: (three-way tie) George Bush, Barry Bonds and Ted Haggard.

Swimsuit of the Year Award: Daniel Craig, Casino Royale.

Best Live Performance at a Concert Award: Madonna.

Worst 'Live' Performance in a Cab Four Hours After a Concert: Not me. NOT ME. Ok, me.

Song of the Year: Get Together, Madonna.

Three Great Movies That Should Win an Award Award: United 93, The Queen, Flags of Our Fathers.

Worst Trends in Blogs Award: It's a three-way tie!

1) Companies creating fake blogs -- flogs -- using PR companies as a way to promote their products or 'brand'. For example, last year Wal-Mart paid a PR company, Edelman, to create a blog about a couple traveling across America in their RV and spending nights parked in Wal-Mart parking lots. They got caught. Embarassing.

2) The proliferation of "webby" and "bloggies" awards in which bloggers campaign to get their sites recognized as "the best." Sometimes a really good site wins; sometimes, it doesn't. (Some recommended sites are linked to at right.) But does it really matter in a world where Pia Zadora has a Golden Globe?

3) Bloggers becoming corporate shills for products. More and more companies are starting to pay bloggers to promote goods and services. Bloggers then sneak the plug very subtly (or not so subtly) into their blogs.

This concludes The Joeys. And as awards season starts in full swing, remember that Dances With Wolves won the Oscar for Best Picture in 1990. And it beat Goodfellas.

One more thing: I'm pleased to announce
that Quilted Bounty is now the official sponsor
of The Cup of Joe. Please remember to patronize
our sponsor as you clean up any spills or messy discharges
possibly caused by Daniel Craig.